


Reflection

by Rahenna



Series: Rahenna's Gakuen Heaven Oneshots [24]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dreams, Alternate Universe - High School, Chronic Illness, Developing Relationship, Dreams vs. Reality, Falling In Love, M/M, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 16:39:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 41,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16021838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: Kasahara Nao is an ordinary high school student with a bad case of senioritis - on the surface, at least. Only his best friend and his little brother know that he is living a second life in the form of vivid lucid dreams of another self. Recently, the dreams have left the real Nao with awkward and uncomfortable feelings, thanks to his other self falling for his direct subordinate at work. But nothing's more awkward than realizing the new student teacher for his math class is his other self's love interest from the dream world - and that the dream world is shared.





	1. [reality 01]

**Author's Note:**

> This idea's been kicking around in my head for a while. I write a lot of Sakaki/Yuki, but I'm a huge fan of Sakaki/Nao as well, though I hardly have any posted. Too many ideas, not enough time. This was intended to be a short story, but it's pushing 60 pages already and I still have a few more scenes to write. Brevity is not my strong point, I suppose.
> 
> I'll post a new scene (chapter, I guess) every few days until it's finished. Having a deadline in mind will motivate me to put the finishing touches on this story. :3
> 
> Time is kind of a loose concept in this story. I usually put the exact date on everything I write, but I didn't feel the need to be so precise this time. It starts after winter break and will end around early March, toward the end of the Japanese school year.

Sojiro-san looked me directly in the eyes, his expression more serious than usual. I felt my face getting hot, and I resisted the urge to lower my eyes. My chest tightened, heart aching with barely contained excitement. The words he'd been harboring in his heart for so long were about to be given voice. Made real. There would be no turning back.

His lips curved into a gentle smile and moved to form the words I'd been waiting to hear.

"Brother! Are you still sleeping? Come on, get up or you're gonna be late for school _again!_ "

My eyes snapped open, heart pounding as if I'd been running a marathon. "Wha...?"

Tomo stood beside my bed, arms folded over his chest and scowling in the overly serious but also comically dramatic way only a snotty preteen could manage. He was already fully dressed in his uniform, hair neatly combed except for the single lock that always stuck up from the top of his head. "Come on, it's already 7:30, if you don't hurry up I'm gonna eat your breakfast too!" With that announcement, he turned and bounced from the room as if making good on his threat. I knew he wouldn't do it, though. He never did.

I rolled over onto my back with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling without blinking. Those weird dreams again. I couldn't remember when they'd started; it felt like they'd always been part of my life, even when I was a kid. I'd given up on telling anyone about them a long time ago, after my parents dragged me to a psychiatrist when I was six, worried that I kept dreaming that they'd died and Tomo and I had ended up in an orphanage. But the dreams never stopped.

And the weirdest thing was that those dreams were strung together in one long, continuous story, a dramatic retelling of my own life over the years. Time passed in the dream universe at the same pace as real life, only I was a few years older in the dreams. Despite that, they weren't predictions of the future or anything like that, which was honestly a relief. I couldn't imagine dealing with actually losing my parents or living with an incurable heart condition, or making a horrible mistake like sending Tomo off to be adopted by a couple that turned out to be a pair of criminals.

Ugh, thinking about the drama of those dreams was enough to make me feel like my heart was going to stop at any moment. I flung back the blanket and dragged myself from the bed, putting the fragments of the dream from my mind as I rushed to get ready. By the time I made my way downstairs to eat, Tomo was already gone, headed off early to meet up with his best friend Yuki so they could walk to school together.

"There you are, sleepyhead. Your breakfast is probably cold by now." 

"That's okay, I like it cold." I plopped down at the dining table, picking up my chopsticks to break the yolk of the egg that topped my bowl of rice.

"I guess you got used to it after years of late mornings." Mom laughed, then reached out to comb her fingers through my hair. "Geez, Nao, I don't mind how you like your breakfast, but would it kill you to use a hairbrush at least once a week?"

I batted her hand away. "Maybe, so I'm not willing to risk it."

Mom clicked her tongue, settling down across from me at the table to eat her own breakfast. "You'll never find a girlfriend if you don't start taking care of your appearance. Are you sure you don't want to try contacts again?"

Every time Mom harped on the girlfriend thing, I was tempted to tell her I'd 'dated' the student council president for a few months at the end of my second year. And by 'dated' I meant 'went to her house to study, except I was being taught real life skills, like how to have sex without getting caught even though her mom was in the next room.' I hadn't exactly been heartbroken when she graduated and went to university, never keeping her promise to call me, but I missed having a casual girlfriend to fool around with after school.

Instead, I bit my tongue and tried not to roll my eyes. "No, Mom, I don't. They hurt my eyes, and I like my glasses, I can just take them off if I want to do close work. You can't do that with contacts."

"Hmm, but the magazine I was reading yesterday said that women are 33% more likely to choose a guy without glasses, if all other factors rate the same..."

I shook my head and tuned her out. Mom was always reading those stupid women's magazines, the ones that said you could lose ten kilos in a month by cutting out carbs and stuff like that. She usually laughed off silly claims like that, but recently she'd been pretty fixated on the idea of me ending up tragically alone if I didn't find a steady girlfriend before graduating high school. Reminding her that girls did, in fact, attend university was useless.

My chest tightened as bits of the morning's dream flashed through my mind again: Sojiro-san's familiar face, serious but gentle as he prepared to confess his feelings for me. I swallowed hard, face getting warm. It was a stupid reaction, which just showed how vivid and annoying those dreams had become. I had no idea who this guy was aside from his role in the dream, my subordinate at work. Hell, he probably didn't even exist in real life. And I wasn't attracted to guys anyway.

Probably.

I mean, I hadn't really thought about it until those dreams started getting... intense. There was nothing going on in the dreams, not yet, but if I could have downloaded them from my head as a movie, pretty much anyone who watched would have said, yup, those guys are in love.

But those feelings didn't carry over into reality. They were dreams, nothing more.

"Hey, earth to Nao!" Mom waved her hand in front of my face. "Are you going to finish eating, or are you going to sit there and stare at the wall? You're going to be late if you don't get going."

I snapped back to reality. "Ugh, sorry, I zoned out for a minute."

"Seriously, are you getting enough sleep? Did you stay up too late studying for exams again?"

My spine stiffened. We didn't have exams this week, did we? I couldn't remember anything about that, but my mouth was moving before I could finish searching my brain. "Something like that, I guess. Or maybe I was reading... yeah, that must be it. Anyway," I shoved a huge bite of rice into my mouth, washing it down with a gulp of tea, "I'd better get going."

"Wait, don't forget your lunch! And take this too, eat it on the way! A growing boy like you needs to have a full breakfast."

"Right, right, though I don't think pastries count as a balanced breakfast," I sighed, accepting the neatly wrapped bento and storebought cream bun. "Well, I'll see you later, Mom."

"And don't forget to brush your hair when you get to school! I put a comb in your bag."


	2. [reality 02]

The courtyard was deserted by the time I got to school. There was no point in pretending I wasn't late, so I didn't bother trying to sneak quietly down the empty hall to the classroom. Once I reached the door, I didn't hesitate to pull it open. As expected, all eyes were on me as I made my way to my seat, including those of Professor Miyamoto, a petite but terrifying woman with a piercing glare that stared out from a sea of wrinkles. She was probably a thousand years old.

"Ah, the student council vice president finally makes his dramatic appearance. Good of you to join us, Kasahara." I didn't have to look to know that she was frowning, arms folded over her chest as she tapped her foot. "That's the second time you've been late this week, which wouldn't be all _that_ unusual for you, except that today is only Tuesday. What's your excuse _this_ time?"

There was a quiet huff of stifled snickers as I mumbled my apology. "Sorry, Professor Miyamoto, I forgot to set my alarm. It won't happen again."

"You said that _last_ week, Kasahara," she grumbled, wagging her finger in my direction. "Everyone _else_ manages to keep track of their alarms and get to school on time. I'd say that staying after school and helping the athletic clubs clean up would help your memory a little, but I have a better idea. We're having a student teacher in for math class today. I was just wondering how to decide who would have the task of helping him with class preparations during lunchtime today. Thank you for volunteering, Kasahara."

I opened my mouth to protest, then caught myself, gritting my teeth. If I complained, she would definitely slap me with both punishments, and helping a nervous student teacher was light years better than being stuck helping a bunch of meatheads clean stinky, sweaty equipment. I bowed my head. "Yes, Professor."

"Good. Now, as I was saying before your late arrival disrupted homeroom, we'll be hosting a number of student teachers..."

I tuned out the professor's dull monotone, leaning forward to rest my chin on my hand with a quiet sigh. What a pain, missing lunch to help out a newbie, and even worse, a guy. Couldn't it at least be a cute girl?

Something pointy dug into my back, and I turned around with a growl. "Damnit, Shimon!"

"Heh heh, sucks to be you." Shimon grinned, poking me in the back with his pencil again. "So why are you late again today? Stay up too late reading dirty comics?" He waggled his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes. "Gross. You're the only one desperate enough to fap to cartoon titties."

Yagami Shimon had been my best friend since junior high, when we got into a fight over the best seat on the first day of class in our first year. I'd claimed the seat way back in the corner first, but Shimon marched over and sat down on top of me like I wasn't even there. Unfortunately, plopping down in my lap on the first day of school had the nasty side effect of sparking a rumor that he had a crush on me, and that nonsense had evolved and followed us around ever since. Now, over five years later, pretty much everyone in the school was comfortable teasing us about being a couple. The annoying part was that some people who weren't around at the beginning thought it was true.

"Heh, at least I'm interested in titties."

"Let me remind you which one of us has actually touched breasts." I leaned forward as if I was about to tell him a secret and added, "Spoiler: it's not you."

Shimon kicked the back of my chair. "Whatever. It's not my fault none of the girls at this school understand the coolness of a guy who plays a musical instrument!"

I peered at him over the top of my glasses. "I've never heard of accordion groupies."

"Yagami, Kasahara!" Professor Miyamoto bellowed. "Stop running your mouths and pay attention to the announcements!" 

"Yes, Professor!" Shimon aimed an angelic smile at the professor, and her sharp glare softened just a bit. I shook my head and turned back toward the front of the classroom. It was really irritating that Shimon could get away with screwing around all the time just because he was good at sucking up to teachers. He probably hadn't been kept after school even once in his entire life. Lucky brat.

The morning announcements dragged on forever, leaving no free time to chat before first period started. I normally paid attention in class, even boring ones like English, but the mornings after having those vivid dreams were the worst. I could barely keep my eyes open, much less focus on the lesson. It didn't matter how much sleep I got if most of it was spent living a second life. My body felt like I'd gone straight through the night without a break, achy and sore, and my brain was all fogged up. Even if I could get my brain to do any thinking, my mind fixated on the details of the dreams.

I chewed on the end of my pen with a quiet sigh and stared at the chalkboard while the teacher droned on, wondering if I could learn to sleep with my eyes open.


	3. [reality 03]

Math was the last class before the lunch break - which I wouldn't be getting - which meant that everyone was getting restless and not really paying attention, me included. In fact, I was dozing at my desk while the change of teachers took place, though it was hard to keep my eyes closed and tune out the annoying chatter of the girls in class when the student teacher came in.

"Wow, he's really tall and handsome..."

"I wonder if he's single. I don't think he's wearing a ring... Hey, ask Sagimori up in front if she can see his hand better!"

Ugh, how annoying. Of course they'd all be fawning over some random college student; all the male teachers in our crappy little school were old or married or both. Well, except for Professor Fujita, but it was pretty much an open secret that he was gay. Not that it stopped the girls from squeeing over him during PE class. In fact, some of them found him _more_ attractive because of that.

Girls were weird.

"Ahem, class, quiet down," crusty old Professor Sato called out. I didn't have to open my eyes to know that he was literally waving his hands in a 'settle down' sort of motion like always. "I'm sure you heard in homeroom this morning, but today we're having a student teacher for class. I'll be here to assist, of course, but I expect all of you to pay attention to our guest and to show him the same respect you'd show to me."

I stifled a snort. That meant none at all, then?

"Now, instead of rambling on, I'll allow Sakaki-san to introduce himself and the lesson. After all, part of teaching is getting the class settled and back on track after a break, isn't that right?"

My ears pricked up. Did he say Sakaki? And a math teacher?

"Right," a voice that should have been unfamiliar offered quiet agreement, but if he said anything else, it was drowned by the squealing of girls who were oddly starved for the sound of a male voice.

"Oh my god, he has such a deep and sexy voice!"

"Ugh, just listening to this guy is gonna get me pregnant!"

And a grumble from behind me: "This shit again? It's like no one's ever seen a dude under fifty before..." Well, you could always trust Shimon to run out of patience in less than three seconds. I was irritated too, but for an entirely different reason. I cracked open one eye as the student teacher began his self-introduction.

He must have been trained not to acknowledge nonsense from the class, because he cleared his throat and spoke without hesitation. "Thank you for allowing me to teach your class today, Professor Sato." He raised his voice. "My name is Sakaki Sojiro, I'm a masters student from the Graduate School of Education at Tokyo University, majoring in mathematics and education. I hope you'll find today's lesson easy to understand."

The girls began murmuring again, but that was nothing compared to the bolt of shock that ran down my spine. Both of my eyes snapped open, taking a moment to focus on the stranger at the front of the classroom, a tall man dressed conservatively in a black shirt and grey slacks, a tentative smile on his lips as he surveyed the room. Except he wasn't a stranger. His name and his face and his voice, even his choice of profession matched the man who'd appeared in the dreams of my alternate self.

My mouth went dry. It wasn't possible. How the hell had my brain managed to make up someone who was a perfect match for a person who actually existed? I must have seen him somewhere before, a random person met in passing, like one of my dad's coworkers or something. He'd only been appearing in my dreams for a couple of years, so who could it be?

As I was racking my brain, searching for possible reasons, Professor Sato motioned toward me. "Oh, by the way, Sakaki-san, it seems that Kasahara has volunteered to help you with your prep work during the lunch period."

The man's head swiveled toward me, and he caught my eye before I could look away. The meeting of our eyes was another thrill of electricity, a shock of recognition that set my heart pounding. And he - Sojiro-san, he reacted too, eyebrows rising and mouth dropping open for just a moment before he composed himself, though his eyes remained fixed on my face for several seconds before he turned back to Professor Sato with some effort, his smile strained as he nodded. "Yes, thank you, Professor, I appreciate the help. Shall I begin class, then?"

"The stage is all yours, Sakaki-san. Go right ahead."

He nodded, then turned to address the class. "Open your books to page 178. We'll be continuing the lesson Professor Sato started last class, finding a limit by simplifying an expression..."

His voice washed over me like a gentle tide, familiar and comforting. I couldn't focus on the content of the lesson, too caught up in my study of his movements, his mannerisms, his word choices and tone, all uncannily familiar. When he turned toward the board and picked up the chalk, the numbers and symbols he wrote were just as I expected, neat and precise with sharp angles. The face he made when he realized the chalk dust had gotten onto his shirt was the same one I'd seen a million times before. The way his eyebrow twitched when yet another girl asked an inane question just to get his attention for a few moments was the same as when I poked fun at him in the dreams.

There were small differences too, but they all seemed connected to me in some way. An air of nervousness as he glanced toward the side of the room where I sat, instead of his usual bold confidence, or the stubborn refusal to make eye contact no matter how long I stared at his face. Maybe the occasional wobble in his voice was simple stage fright at being observed by a veteran teacher. Then again, he was definitely making a pointed effort to avoid looking directly at me, always calling on my classmates who were sitting on the other side of the room. All the girls near me who kept volunteering to answer were starting to grumble about how unfair it was.

It was impossible, but he'd obviously recognized me too. I knew his reactions well enough to recognize that loss of self-control when we'd made eye contact. Did that mean he'd been having the same dreams? There was no other sane explanation - not that the idea of sharing dreams was sane either, but what other reason was there? I couldn't think of anything.

What the hell did it mean? And why was my chest getting all tight, heart fluttering as I watched a student teacher do mundane things like write out an example problem on the chalkboard? Was I really that hot for another guy? Sadly, it kind of felt that way, with my stomach flip-flopping and mind flooded with memories of intimate moments from the dreams. They weren't romantically intimate moments, at least not yet, but the feelings of closeness in the dream felt like they went a step beyond an ordinary platonic friendship. The me of the dream definitely found Sojiro-san intriguing and exciting, a close friend worthy of trust and maybe something more.

My face heated up as I remembered the morning, how Tomo's shout had drowned out the words of what was probably a love confession. A love confession that dream me had _really_ wanted to hear. I ducked my head to hide my annoying blush, pretending to be absorbed in my textbook. That didn't last long, though. It was like I was compelled to watch Sojiro-san's every movement, studying every twitch of his fingers and quirk of his lips as he tried very hard to keep the class on track while going to so much trouble to avoid making eye contact with me.

Suddenly, I couldn't wait until the lunchtime prep period.


	4. [reality 04]

"Here you go," Professor Sato announced, pushing open the door to the cramped, messy copy room. The small table in the center of the space was covered with a random assortment of office supplies, leaving hardly any room to eat lunch, much less get any work done. "If you have any trouble with the machine, Kasahara can fix it. He's the student council vice president, they copy a lot of flyers and other materials for the students, so they're used to dealing with machine maintenance."

"Thank you, Professor Sato," Sojiro-san nodded toward him, stepping into the room without hesitation to plop a massive stack of folders on top of the beat-up copy machine. Normally, I would have been annoyed by Sato's blabbing, but I was way too excited about finally getting to speak with Sojiro-san in relative privacy, so I dropped off my pile of junk without protest.

"Well, then, I'll leave you to it. Thanks for volunteering to help with the other teachers' work as well, I know they'll appreciate it."

"Of course," Sojiro-san smiled, but there was a familiar tension around his eyes, a sure sign that he was hiding his irritation. Only a few moments after the door clicked shut behind Sato, he dropped into one of the cheap folding chairs with an aggravated sigh. "Hmph, I'm sure those lazy fossils have been looking forward to making the student teachers their personal slaves for weeks. And roping the student council vice president into it too, shameless." His eyes flicked toward me. "Kasahara, was it?"

My heart leaped in my chest at the sudden eye contact. "Y, yeah. Kasahara Nao."

Was it my imagination, or did his eyes widen just a bit? "I see. Well," he offered his hand. "Sakaki Sojiro, lowly student teacher."

I nodded, reaching out to take his hand, praying that my palm wasn't as sweaty as the rest of my body. "I know." Yeah, real smart, saying 'I know' to someone's introduction. "Uh, I mean, you were introduced during class, so..." 

His hand gripped mine for several moments, then pulled away. The brief contact was electric, raising all the hair on my arms. I was never more grateful for the long sleeves of the winter uniform than at that moment. "Pleased to meet you, Kasahara. Well, shall we do a bit of work before eating lunch? Better to get the copy machine going on a few jobs before we take a break, otherwise we'll never get all this nonsense finished in time for afternoon classes."

"Yeah, good idea," I agreed, grateful for the distraction. "I'm pretty good at programming this thing by now, so if you don't mind sorting out the originals and telling me the details of the requests, I can get them loaded up quickly."

With Sojiro-san standing close so I could hear his voice over the clank and whir of the machine, I couldn't help being distracted by the sweetness of cologne, the same musky vanilla I remembered from my dreams. My cheeks colored, fingers fumbling over the buttons as I tried to ignore the memory of how my body had prickled with anticipation as he leaned in to confess his feelings, only to be rudely interrupted by Tomo's impatient shout.

"Do you need me to repeat that, Kasahara? You stopped typing all of a sudden."

"Sorry! I got distracted, can you read that last one again?"

Once I refocused on the work, it didn't take long to get the first ten jobs programmed into the machine, which informed us that the copying would take about twelve minutes. Plenty of time to scarf down a bento. We settled down across from each other at the wobbly table, me with Mom's homemade lunch and Sojiro-san with a convenience store bento that looked kind of sad in comparison. He eyed my lunch with an expression that I mistook for envy until he spoke.

"Did you make that yourself, or are you lucky enough to have a mother who cooks?"

I popped the lid off of my lunchbox, revealing the omurice and colorful salad inside. "Yeah, my mom made this. I can't cook at all."

His smile was too bright for such a simple revelation. "That's good. I'm glad you have someone to take care of you like that." After a short pause, he added, "Not everyone does."

Was he just making small talk, or was he fishing for information about my personal life, wanting to compare me to the version of me that existed in the dreams? Assuming that he was having dreams too, of course. But with the way he'd been acting during class, and just now, that spark of something when I introduced myself, I wanted to ask. How did you go about asking a stranger - who might not actually be a stranger - if they've been having lucid dreams of another self and another life, though?

By feeding him more information, maybe. "Yeah, not everyone has a nice family. I feel pretty lucky, my mom and dad and little brother are all great people."

He raised one eyebrow. "You have a younger brother?"

"Is that unusual?" I racked my brain, trying to remember if my dream self had ever mentioned Tomo to anyone. I didn't think so; dream me had done my best to put Tomo from my mind after the adoption, telling myself that he was better off in a real home with an intact family. Sometimes I still felt echoes of the despair dream me had felt after learning of his adoptive parents' crimes and his return to the orphanage. 

I probably hadn't told anyone in the dream world about Tomo.

"No, not at all. Somehow I got the impression that you were an only child." Sojiro-san's eyes flicked back to his lunch. He seemed vaguely embarrassed as he muttered, "Anyway, I'm starved."

We ate in silence, each sneaking peeks at the other when we thought we could get away with it. As expected, his lunch was a selection of traditional Japanese favorites: miso soup, salted salmon, rolled omelet, pickled vegetables, and rice. The only sounds aside from the occasional click of chopsticks were the rhythmic whir of the copy machine and the swish of freshly copied paper.

Okay, this was getting really awkward. If he wasn't going to say anything, then I'd have to do it.

"Um, Professor Sakaki?"

He glanced up sharply. "Professor? I'm not a teacher yet."

Ugh, I'd been calling him that so long in the dreams that I couldn't help saying it in real life. "Right, sorry." I bit my lip, drawing in a deep breath. If I chickened out now, I'd never find my courage again. "Um, then, Sakaki-san. This might be an odd question, but... have you ever had unusual dreams? Ones that seem incredibly real while you're asleep, almost like you're living another life, and the person in the dream is another version of yourself?"

No good. His stare just got more intense, conjuring impressions of the doctors who'd interrogated me mercilessly back when my parents hauled me to the psych ward. My back stiffened, and I opened my mouth to tell him to forget about it, but he spoke first.

"So you really _are_ Nao. I was shocked by the look on your face when our eyes met in the classroom, but I thought there had to be some other explanation." He set his chopsticks down, letting out a quiet breath. "After all, you're too young, and you aren't Suzubishi here."

I couldn't keep my eyes from widening a little. He knew my name from the dream. It was irrefutable confirmation. "Y, yeah... I always thought that was weird. My family doesn't have any connection to Suzubishi at all, as far as I know. So I thought maybe your name was just something my brain made up, but it's exactly the same, right down to the characters in your first name. Oh, but you're younger, if you're a student teacher..."

"Yes, that's true, but the age gap is the same, isn't it? You're seventeen and I'm twenty-three."

I did some quick math in my head; it sounded right. "Isn't twenty-three a little old to be doing student teaching, though? I know you need a master's, but isn't that only one extra year?"

"I took a year off before starting university, so I'm a little behind everyone else. Plus it's a double master's in mathematics and education, and I'm spreading out the classes so I can make the payments more easily." His smile turned bitter. "My family doesn't approve of my career choice, so I'm on my own for everything. Well, you probably already knew that from the dreams, only this time I'm not letting them pressure me into doing what they want."

My gut tightened. "Your family... they're not horrible like they are in the dreams, are they? I mean, I've never heard of the Sakaki Group in real life, so that must be one of the details that's different."

Sojiro-san shook his head with a quiet grumble of annoyance. "They're just garden variety disapproving parents, thankfully. My older brother - who _isn't_ a psychopath in real life, just an annoying overachiever - is already a high-level manager in a prominent company, so of course my parents are pushing me to match or outdo his accomplishments. They can't understand that not everyone wants to be a slave to the corporate machine."

"Aren't teachers slaves to the administration, though? That's what you're always saying. Er, I mean the other you..." I reached up to hold my head in my hands. "Ugh, this is so weird and confusing."

His lips quirked up into a faint smile. "I think the word you're looking for is 'surreal.'"

"Yeah, that sounds like the right word," I agreed. We faded back into silence, the atmosphere turning awkward again. It was one thing to talk about shared dreams with a stranger, but which of us was going to to bring up the _other_ side of it? My cheeks prickled as snippets of the developing emotional affair flashed through my mind. Those feelings were impossible to ignore after waking, the excitement of an evolving more-than-friendship leaving me warm with borrowed happiness long after the images of that other world had faded.

Did Sojiro-san feel the same way? Or was he more in control, able to separate fiction from reality because he was a calm, levelheaded adult?

I jumped as the copy machine let out a shrill beep, and my chopsticks slipped from my fingers. "Agh, that stupid thing!"

Sojiro-san chuckled as he wrapped up his empty tray in the convenience store bag. "I guess that's a sign that we should get to work instead of chatting. But," his voice dropped lower, as if he was afraid someone might overhear, "do you have time after school today? I'd like to talk more in a place that's more private than a school copy room."

My heart thudded as his eyes caught mine, words catching in my throat for a moment. I nodded, recovering my voice a second later. "I have a student council meeting after school, but it should only take about an hour since we don't have any big events coming up. Um, do you know the big park near the center of town? There's a path that wanders around the entire perimeter, and some of the benches along the path are pretty hard to see if you're just passing by."

I swallowed nervously. Did I just invite an adult to meet me in a secluded place after school?

"I know that park," Sojiro-san confirmed, frowning. "Isn't it popular with kids? At this time of year, it must be crowded until sunset."

"It is, but the park is huge and the kids always hang around the playground area." Was he going to refuse because it was too public? "We could try going to a cafe or something instead."

"No, that's even worse, the cafes around here are full of high school students in the evenings, aren't they? The park is fine, it looks less like a date if someone happens to come by."

A date? My face turned bright red. What would it be like to go on a date with another guy? I'd never considered it. "Yeah, you're right. That would be better."

"Good, I'll wait at the park entrance around five, then. We can talk more freely without the risk of teachers barging in to check on their worksheets. Speaking of which," he sighed, turning back to the stacks of paper, "let's concentrate on getting this done for now. Annoying as this is, I can't disappoint the people who are going to write up the evaluations that determine if I pass this class or not."


	5. [reality 05]

I hurried to the park after school, praying that Sojiro-san hadn't gotten frustrated with my failure to appear on time and left. It was only - I glanced at my watch again - 5:07 and he knew I had student council work to do, so it was probably okay. If he was anything like his dream counterpart, he wasn't exactly tolerant of lateness but wouldn't complain much if there was a legit reason.

I spotted him as I ran toward the park entrance, a solitary tall figure standing in the designated smoking area. His body was turned to one side, giving me a good view of his profile as he lifted a cigarette to his lips, eyes dropping shut as he drew in a breath, holding it for a few seconds before releasing a wispy cloud. He glanced up at the sound of my faltering footsteps, lowering his hand, and the smile that lit his face was enough to stop my heart.

"Hey," he murmured, stubbing the cigarette out in the nearby ashtray. "You're late."

Ugh, was he annoyed? He was still smiling, though. "Yeah, I know. The student council meeting ran a little longer than expected. I can't exactly get away with sneaking out early since I'm the vice president and all."

He waved my concerns away. "Don't worry about it. I would say it's like you to take your school management work seriously, assuming that you're similar to the other Nao." He paused. "Can I call you Nao? It's what I'm used to."

I nodded, motioning for him to follow me along the path that circled the perimeter of the park. "Yeah, it would be weird to call me Kasahara, I guess. So can I call you Sojiro-san, or is Professor Sakaki better? Sakaki-san just doesn't feel right."

"Whatever you prefer is fine with me. It's not like we're complete strangers." His faint smile twisted a little, and he gave a quiet snort. "Well, it seems to me that you're actually quite different from your dream counterpart. You're not part of the Suzubishi family, you're attending school normally, your parents are alive and well, and you have a younger brother." He hesitated, looking like he wanted to say more, but fell silent.

Did he want to ask about dream me's heart problem? He was bound to be curious about that. But first I wanted to correct the mistaken assumption he'd already made. "Oh, Tomo exists in the dreams too. I just... I mean, the other me doesn't talk about him. I encouraged him to be adopted separately since no one wanted to adopt us together. He didn't want to, but I pushed him to do it anyway, and it all went to hell. The couple that adopted him basically trained him as a computer hacker and used his skills to commit all sorts of data crimes. The adoption was dissolved and Tomo went back to the orphanage, only I wasn't there anymore..."

I bit my lip to stifle the feelings of guilt that threatened to overflow. 

"That's terrible," Sojiro-san murmured. "I can see why you wouldn't want to talk about it. I'm glad that his reality is much kinder."

I nodded my agreement, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Yeah. Tomo and my parents, I feel like I appreciate them a lot more than other guys my age who are always complaining about their families. They're just as annoying as anyone else, but when I think about life without them..." I tried to shrug off the feeling of dread. "Anyway, that's why I don't mind doing stuff like bringing Tomo to this park to play whenever he asks, running around with his friends and kicking a ball and stuff. I feel like it would be wrong to waste the opportunities the other me never got to have, you know?"

Sojiro-san was quiet for several seconds, waiting for a group of kids to pass by, then asked, "Since you've mentioned running around, am I right to assume that you're not ill?"

Ah, there it was, the question I'd been expecting. "Yeah, I'm totally fine, though I can't help being kind of paranoid about it. You know how vivid those dreams are. As a kid, there were plenty of times I woke up remembering tightness or pain in my chest and complained to my parents about it. Really freaked them out. I've been tested a bunch of times for all sorts of heart problems, but there's nothing wrong with me, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just hard to remember that sometimes, especially as I get worse in the dreams. The pain doesn't really carry over once I wake up, but the fear of it does. It takes a while to convince myself that it's okay to move around a bit, or cough, or whatever. But I'm fine, really, so don't worry about me."

I forced a smile, trying not to think about what the steady progression of the disease meant for my dream self. I could tell from the look of concern on Sojiro-san's face, so similar to the way he eyed me in the dreams when I insisted that I was fine, that he had the same worry.

If you die in a dream, you die in real life. Wasn't something like that a major plot point in a movie from a while back? Or was it that you woke up after dying? Anyway, the whole idea of dying, dream or not, was terrifying.

I pushed those thoughts from my mind and gestured toward a small side path. "Let's go over here, there's a place to sit and I don't think anyone will come back this way. The kids like to stick to the playground and the other newer parts of the park."

I led the way to an old, stained stone bench under a scraggly pine tree. The surface was covered with fallen needles and a bit of dirt, a sure sign that the area was abandoned and ignored. I swept the debris aside and took a seat, and Sojiro-san sat down beside me, close enough that his knee brushed against mine. If Sojiro-san noticed the way my back stiffened in reaction, he didn't show it, and jumped right into the conversation.

"I wonder why you're so different from the dreams, but I'm almost the same. My health and habits, my family situation - though it's not quite as extreme - even my name."

"I'm not completely different," I protested. "My original name in the dreams is Kasahara, same as in real life, and I think my personality is really similar. My parents and teachers are always telling me to get more serious about things and saying that I'm too idealistic or whatever. I don't get why it's a bad thing to look for the good in people or in tough situations, isn't that better than getting depressed and giving up? I'm not making excuses for people who are jerks and take advantage of others, but there's no point in giving up and letting those sorts of people run wild. Someone has to stand up for what's right."

"And that's why you got involved with student council?"

"Yeah. I'm not going to pretend that school is awesome, but I want to try and make the most of my time there. Not just having fun, but also learning how to get along with people I don't agree with, things like that. Being in the student council puts me in a position to hear lots of opinions. Sometimes I change my mind once someone else brings me enough evidence to support their argument. It's important to stay openminded and flexible."

"Hmm," Sojiro-san peered at my face thoughtfully. "Maybe you're not so different after all."

I ducked my head, face getting hot. Damn, why did I keep reacting that way every time he looked at me? It was like the emotions from the dream were leaking out, coloring my perception of reality. Again, I remembered the morning, the deep disappointment I'd felt after Tomo's voice had cut through my sleep, severing the connection just before I could hear the confession.

Before I could stop myself, I asked, "This morning, what were you going to tell me in the dream?"

For the first time, Sojiro-san seemed to be caught off guard. "Hm? What do you mean, weren't you there to hear everything?"

"Most of it, but near the end, when you were leaning close to tell me something, Tomo busted into my room and woke me up. I missed that part."

"Oh..." Sojiro-san fidgeted, eyes lowering. "I see." As I watched, waiting for the rest of the response, his face slowly turned pink, and he coughed. "Well, I'm sure you've already figured it out from the context of that situation."

I don't know what compelled me to reach out and touch his face, finding his cheek hot against my fingers, and murmur, "But I want to hear you say it."

Excitement thrilled through me as he raised his eyes, lips parting slightly as he took in my expression. The tip of his tongue flicked out to moisten his lips, and his voice was a low, warning whisper. "Nao, this is..."

"Please, Sojiro-san, say it again." My head felt light, my vision blurring around the edges so only his face was crystal clear. Narrow eyes framed by long curving lashes and accented by neatly groomed brows, a strong nose with a hint of freckles, a faint dusting of stubble above his upper lip - all of it was so familiar and so heart-poundingly close.

"I said," his mouth moved, forming the words I'd missed that morning, "I love you, Nao."

His eyes held mine for a heartbeat before darting away. I reacted without thinking, catching his face with both hands to keep him from turning away in embarrassment. My head buzzed with a sensation that could only be described as joy, a sudden sense of happiness that made my entire body glow with warmth. The words I'd longed to hear, the words that echoed the emotions I was too shy and inexperienced to identify, had finally been made real.

I leaned in and kissed him, smiling at the softness of his lips against my own. A moment later, his mouth moved, his stiff expression of surprise relaxing into a smile. Warm hands touched my back, strong yet gentle as they pulled me closer. I let my hands wander, first petting his cheeks, then one slipping lower to trace the strong line of his jaw while the other moved to grip his shoulder, palm brushing his collarbone as my fingers pressed into his shirt. Every touch sent a thrill of discovery through my body, sensations I'd only imagined crystallizing into reality. The smoothness of skin, the weight of muscle, the roughness of stubble, the heat of a quiet breath, the combined scents of cologne and cigarette smoke. Of course I knew they were part of him, and now they'd been made real, confirmed by my own senses.

It wasn't a deep kiss, but the explosion of emotions that welled up left me breathless and lightheaded. This was it. This was what I'd been waiting for without ever understanding what I'd needed. But I knew now, and I wasn't going to let anyone take it from me.

A quiet sigh of want escaped from my nose, punctuating the soft sounds that hung in the still air as we sucked lightly at each other's lips. More. I wanted more. I ran the tip of my tongue over Sojiro-san's lower lip, teasing lightly, requesting entrance.

He shoved me away with a sharp gasp, breathing heavily as he stared at me with wide eyes.

I scowled. "Hey, what was that for?"

It took him several seconds to find his voice. "We can't... you're a student."

My irritation at being rejected dissolved in an instant. What the hell was I doing?! How had I gotten so caught up in a rush of emotion that I couldn't tell the difference between reality and dreams? And what was going on with me anyway? I wasn't even into guys!

Why, then, did Sojiro-san's lips still look so damn inviting?

I pressed one hand to my mouth, forcing my eyes down and away from his face. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking. When you said that, it was like I couldn't control myself..." My heart pounded so hard that it was hard to hear myself over the rush of blood in my ears. "I don't know what came over me."

He made a quiet sound of agreement. "I'm not exactly blameless here. I didn't stop you."

Not until I started licking his mouth, anyway. My face burned. "No, it's my fault. I was thinking too much about the dreams, and I just went ahead and did whatever."

"You did exactly what you did in the dream." Sojiro-san made a soft sound of amusement. "Only the real you is a lot more aggressive. I'm kind of surprised."

"W, well, dream me hasn't exactly had a lot of opportunities for romance. More like none." I raised my head a little, relieved to see that he wasn't angry. At least, he didn't look angry. "But I guess those feelings are pretty strong if they bled over into reality like that. I mean, I'm not even into guys..."

"Could have fooled me." His tone was light and teasing, but there was a tightness about his smile that sent an unpleasant shock down my spine. He was disappointed.

I fidgeted, keenly aware that I'd totally led him on by being the one to initiate. "So, um, I guess you're actually gay in real life, like in the dreams?"

It was his turn to look away. "Yeah, that's right. Why, does that bother you?"

The bitterness in his tone made made it very clear that I'd poked at a sore spot. Unfortunately, it also activated an urge to prove that I wasn't at fault. "Of course not. I'm not some crusty old dude who has a problem with anything that's different from myself. Anyway, you should know from dream me, right? Stuff like that doesn't matter to me."

I regretted those pathetic, defensive words the moment they left my mouth. They hung in the air between us, the mood spoiled by my selfish intent. Sojiro-san was quiet for a long time, staring down at his clasped hands. I knew I had to offer sincere words of apology, but everything that crossed my mind sounded like hollow excuses. How could I make him understand that I hadn't acted with any ill intent without sounding like I was full of crap?

Too late. He sighed and glanced up at me. "I think I should go."

A cold shock ran through me. "No, please! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to... I'm so stupid! Please don't go, we have a special connection, I never thought I'd meet you in real life or that you even existed!"

I must have looked like I was about to lose my mind, because he was at a loss for words for several moments. His expression softened a little, though the shadow of disappointment was still present in the slight frown and the tightness of his jaw. "Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying I don't want to talk to you. But we have to be careful. I'm a student teacher and my future job is important to me. I can't be caught doing anything that seems the slightest bit improper, especially with a student from my assigned school."

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't even think about that..."

He sighed again. "Yes, I can tell. Anyway," he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone, "we can text."

"Oh. Right." I tried to swallow back my panic and force a smile; it probably looked like a grimace. "That's a good idea."

We exchanged numbers and sent a few test messages back and forth to make sure everything was working as expected. That meant he was serious about keeping in touch, then. The realization loosened the bands of worry around my chest, and by the time we separated at the park entrance, I was feeling light again. Meeting the single most important person from the dream world in real life was nothing short of a miracle. All those years of worry, doubting myself, wondering if I was crazy, it all felt like it had been worth it.

Impressions of the kiss flickered across my mind, and I shook my head to clear them away. No, that wasn't the reason! That was just an impulse, the blurring of fiction and reality, nothing more. I'd screwed up, acting without pausing to consider how Sojiro-san would react. It was wrong. I'd been wrong, and I'd hurt him without thinking. My stomach knotted up again with worry. He understood how real the dreams were, how exciting it was to find someone else who shared that experience. Surely he would forgive me for being influenced by my other self.

Maybe. I could only hope. He still wanted to talk, right?

Ugh, all I was doing was making myself sick with worry. I pushed those thoughts firmly from my mind and hurried home, mentally going over the list of homework I needed to finish and my student council assignments. Combined, it was more than enough to keep my brain busy with real world matters for the rest of the evening.


	6. [reality 06]

"I'm home," I announced to no one in particular, kicking off my shoes in the entryway. 

Mom's voice called out in response from the living room, barely audible over the evening news. "Welcome back. I'm holding off on dinner until your dad gets home, so it'll be another hour or so. If you're hungry, there should be some chips in the pantry unless Tomo already ate them all."

Bah, if Tomo knew about the snacks, there was no point in checking. That kid could suck down an entire package of cookies in one sitting and then go looking for seconds. "Nah, I'm fine, I still have the cream bun from this morning. Anyway, I have a lot of homework so I'm going up to my room to study."

"Okay, I'll send Tomo to get you when dinner's ready."

I dashed upstairs, mentally reviewing the list of stuff I needed to work on. Most urgent was the English homework that was due in two days, followed closely by an essay for literature class and a lab report for biology. I gritted my teeth, wondering why I'd let myself leave everything until the last minute yet again. Some people thrived under pressure, true, but all I felt was stress and irritation.

That stress and irritation hit its peak when I opened the door to my room to find Tomo lying on my bed, playing with his cell phone. He glanced up as I entered, setting the phone aside. "Yo."

"Hey," I grumbled, tossing my bag on the floor beside my desk, "how many times have I told you to stay out of my room when I'm not here? Play games in your own room."

Tomo sat up but made no move to leave, instead settling down cross-legged in the middle of the bed. "So who was that guy you were kissing in the park?"

I froze, mouth hanging open in shock. Tomo saw that? But it just happened, how on earth did he get home and have time to settle in on my bed, pretending nothing was up?

Before I could recover enough to accuse him of making things up, he held up one hand in a 'stop right there'gesture. "Don't even try to say I'm lying, you know I can run twice as fast as you. Probably three times as fast when you have all those books." He nodded toward my bag, then rubbed at his cheek thoughtfully. "Anyway, I didn't know you liked guys."

"I don't..." My protest sounded pathetically weak even to my own ears.

"Really?" Tomo raised one eyebrow. "Because you totally kissed him first."

I didn't know what to say. My face probably said it all for me, the progressive reddening of my cheeks an obvious admission of guilt, at least to Tomo's eyes. I couldn't deny it, not only because it was true, but because it was clear that Tomo had seen everything.

"So who was that guy? He wasn't wearing a school uniform, and anyway, he looked like an adult. A university student? Both of you could get in a lot of trouble, you know?"

Ugh, since when was Tomo so observant and nosy? I knew he looked up to me, maybe a bit too much, but following me around at the park and snooping was borderline stalking. I opened my mouth to accuse him of doing something wrong, then bit my tongue at the last moment. Whether it was right or wrong to be following me around, Tomo did have a point. If I'd seen one of my friends making out with someone who was clearly much older, I'd confront them about it too.

I sank down onto the bed beside him with a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I know."

He scooted over to sit next to me, worming his way under my arm to lean against my side. "I'm just worried about you, Brother."

"Yeah." I squeezed his shoulder. "I wasn't thinking. It's... kind of hard to explain."

"Well, it sounds like dinner's not going to be ready until forever, so we have time." Tomo peered up at my face. "I promise not to tell Mom and Dad, okay?"

"You have to promise not to tell _anyone_."

"Ooh, is it really that bad?" Tomo's eyes lit up. "Are you two doin' it?!"

"What?! No!" I pushed him back out of my face. "Geez, why would you immediately jump to a conclusion like that? Where are you hearing stuff like that anyway, at school?"

Tomo rolled his eyes. "Don't talk to me like I'm an elementary school kid."

"You _were_ until this spring, bratling."

"A-ny-waaay, stop trying to distract me by acting like you're such a grown up. I wanna know what's up with that guy. It's not something bad, is it?" His eyes went round. "Hey, he's not making you do stuff you don't want to, right?"

"No, of course not! That wouldn't even be possible, I only met him today."

Tomo's eyebrows shot up into his hairline. "You kissed a guy you only met today?!"

"No, that's not what I meant! I mean... ugh." I pressed one hand to my forehead with an exasperated sigh. "It's complicated, not in a bad way. You know those dreams I've been having ever since I was a kid? That's how I know him. He's my coworker in the dream."

Tomo was the one of the few people who knew I was living a second life. Of course, my parents found out about it when I was a kid, and I'd told Shimon after we'd been friends for a while, since he wouldn't stop hassling me about being tired all the time. I'd managed to convince my parents that they'd stopped a long time ago, escaping their annoying worry and the threat of further psych visits. But Tomo knew the truth: I was _still_ having dreams, and he'd covered for me on multiple occasions to make sure Mom and Dad didn't find out.

I'd never meant to burden him with my secret, but he'd found me collapsed on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, desperately trying to convince myself that the pain in my chest was a phantom sensation leftover from a nightmare. He'd reluctantly agreed to wait it out with me instead of rushing off to wake up Mom and Dad, his young face transformed into a mask of seriousness and worry as he squeezed my hand. The phantom pain had dissipated quickly with his warmth providing a solid link to reality, and I'd told Tomo everything once I'd recovered my composure. 

From that moment, Tomo had declared himself protector of my secret, taking over my chores on the days I was exhausted by living two lives and fussing over me when I struggled against the imagined tightness in my chest. And in return, I gave him periodic updates on my other self's life - except I'd conveniently left out the details of the budding romance with Sojiro-san.

"Your coworker?" His eyes lit with recognition. "Oh, the guy you're always talking about, the grumpy one with the annoying family. Sakaki something or other, right?"

"Sakaki Sojiro-san. And I'm not _always_ talking about him," I protested, trying to remember exactly how much I'd told Tomo. Sure, I'd mentioned Sojiro-san a few times, but that was only natural since we worked together every day and had become good friends.

"Yeah you are. Every time you talk about the dreams, you mention him. Except it's way more than mentioning him, it's like the other you's life totally revolves around that dude."

"It does not." I rolled my eyes at Tomo. "I talk about other coworkers too. Don't selectively remember things just to support your weird theories."

Tomo ignored me and added, "Oh, I get it now! It's a Romeo and Juliet thing!" Before I could ask him what on earth he was babbling about, he kept going. "Your families are rivals in the dream, right? But you're in love anyway. So you have to be all sneaky and hope you don't get caught."

"Tomo, don't be ridiculous."

"Hey, so how far did you go in the dream? It has to be way beyond a kiss, right? Everyone knows Romeo snuck into Juliet's bedroom so they could do it. Did that happen yet?"

"What?! No! It was just a kiss! Why are you so hung up on this whole 'doing it' thing?" Man, Tomo used to be a lot cuter before he learned about stuff like that.

"So you've only kissed, even in the dreams?"

"I don't get why you're obsessed with exactly what's going on in the dreams, but yeah. Just a kiss, in the dream last night." It felt like an eternity ago. So long ago, in fact, that I almost forgot that I hadn't actually experienced the kiss at all! "But I didn't even get to enjoy it! You busted into my room and woke me up right before it happened!"

I expected Tomo to give me crap about my frustration at not getting to experience the kiss, but the question he asked was a complete surprise. "Wait, so you're trying to play out this dream in real life, then? Why? You know they're just dreams, right?"

"They don't feel like 'just dreams' when I'm in them, that's the whole point. I've told you a thousand times, I'm not seeing that other me, I _become_ him."

"Yeah, but after you wake up, you _know_ they're dreams. And they're not dreams of the future or anything, because real life is totally different. So..." Tomo made a face, like he was struggling to put something into words. "I guess what I'm saying is, the guy in the park is a lot like the Sakaki guy in your dreams, but he's not the _same_ person. One's real and one's not."

"That may be true, but he's so much like Sojiro-san from the dreams." I ticked off the points on my fingers. "He looks the same, has the same name, he's studying for the same job, he has the same habits, the way he talks--"

"Yeah, okay," Tomo interrupted, "but you don't _really_ know him, you know some random dude you dreamed up who just happens to be really similar to this guy who exists in real life."

"It's more than 'really similar,' Tomo, he's exactly the same. And he's sharing the dreams with me."

"Wha? You didn't say that before!"

"Because you wouldn't stop talking. Anyway, I might be able to dismiss everything as a really creepy coincidence, but there's no way. Every single thing I mentioned was something he already knew, and he brought stuff up too, stuff that no one else could possibly know without being there."

Tomo frowned. "So what if he's having the same weird dreams? That doesn't mean the real life version of him is exactly like the dream version. You're not the same as dream you. Whatever feelings you have are for the guy in the dream, not the guy in the park. And those aren't even _your_ feelings, they're from you in the dream. You're just getting your wires crossed, like when you freak out about every little twinge." He punctuated his statement by poking me in the chest. "Isn't that right?"

I lowered my eyes. I didn't know what to say. Any argument I could make would sound like feeble excuses in the face of my little brother's logic. He was right; everything was a jumbled mess in my head, the excitement of meeting Sojiro-san in real life overriding my reason.

We had a special connection. That couldn't be denied.

I was protesting before I could stop myself. "Tomo, you don't get it because it's not happening to you. I've been having these dreams for as long as I can remember, and I never thought I'd meet anyone else with a similar experience. And more than that, it's the _same_ experience, the same world, like that dream world actually exists and it's not just in my head. I've had to hide it for so long because I don't want anyone to label me as crazy, but now it's like... everything I've been dealing with my entire life has been validated. I can't throw any of that away."

"That's not what I'm saying," Tomo huffed. "The problem is, you're gonna mess around with an adult you don't even know because he sees the same dream world as you? You can be friends or whatever without getting sucked into the feelings of a you who doesn't really exist."

Was that true? Did the other me truly not exist? If you'd asked me yesterday, I would have said of course he doesn't, he has to be something my mind invented. After today, I wasn't sure. "I'm not trying to get sucked into it, it just happened. I wasn't thinking..."

"So you kissed a dude without thinking."

"It sounds really bad when you put it that way," I grumbled.

"Are you gonna do it again?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I didn't _know_ the answer.

"Anyway, I thought you didn't like guys."

"I... I don't know, okay? It's complicated. Just... please don't tell Mom and Dad I'm still having dreams, they'll flip out." A sudden realization left me cold, heart thudding in my chest as the blood rushed in my ears. "No, even worse. They might even drag me to the hospital again, and I can't deal with that. Please, Tomo, you have to promise..."

"Geez, do you think I'm five or something? I'm not gonna tattle on you." Despite his tough words, Tomo's expression was tight with worry, and he leaned close to wrap his arms around me. When he spoke again, his voice was small. "Would Mom and Dad really do that?"

I hugged Tomo close and smoothed my hand over his sloppy hair. "Probably not? It's too expensive. They'd be really pissed, though."

He recovered his usual fire in an instant. "I'll be really pissed if that guy does anything to you." Tomo glared up at me, suddenly fierce. "I'll kick his ass."

I pushed him off of me, laughing. "You're twelve years old, Tomo."

He punched my arm. "Yeah, but I'm fast. I can kick him and run away, and keep doing that over and over until he's down. That's how it works in games when you try to take down a higher level enemy."

"Real life is different from video games, Tomo."

"Real life is different from dreams, Brother."

I looked away. "I know. I just need to sort it out in my own head. Anyway, why don't you go back to your room for a while? I have a ton of homework, but if you give me some space, I can finish up faster and maybe we can play some Mario Kart or something."

"Ooh, yeah, it's been ages since we played that!" Tomo scrambled off my bed, eyes shining. "I better go practice so I can totally wreck you! It's a promise, got it?"

He didn't wait for a response before bolting from my room, slamming the door behind himself in his excitement. I shook my head, smiling, and shuffled over to my desk, digging out my English workbook and notes. The one good thing about having too much to do was that there was no time for my mind to wander. Between homework, dinner, and hanging out with Tomo, I didn't have time to think about the dreams for the rest of the evening.


	7. [dream 01]

Comfort, warmth, and belonging. Those feelings mingled in my heart and mind, surrounding me with a sense of contentment I'd never experienced before. This was what it meant to be loved. This was how it felt to be intimate with another person, for the wideness of the entire world to contract to a space no bigger than a double bed.

The room was dark, but my eyes had adjusted and the dim moonlight filtering in through the curtains was just enough for me to make out the details of Sojiro-san's face. He was watching me too, his usual serious expression softened to a faint smile as his hand petted up and down my back. The weight of his arm against my side was unfamiliar but exciting, the solid heat of muscle a sharp contrast to my own spindly limbs. 

Sojiro-san didn't seem to care about the inadequacies of my body, though he had to know that they existed. There was no way he could have missed the prominence of my ribs or my lack of strength as I hugged him to me, breathing in the combined scents of toothpaste and moisturizer. It didn't matter. For once, my body was enough, fully capable of experiencing a special moment of connection with another person, even if it was just an embrace.

"You're warm," I murmured, closing my eyes and snuggling deeper into his arms.

"You too." His fingers brushed through my hair, raising a blush on my cheeks.

"Really? I don't think so." I couldn't remember the last time anyone had described me as warm. My physical contact with others was usually limited to a brief handshake, and poor circulation meant permanently chilly hands.

"Of course you are," he countered, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

The silence that followed was comfortable. We didn't need words. The miracle of shared affection was more than enough, and my mind slowly unwound as the seconds passed, flitting from one memory to another, piecing together the evidence of our love. Sojiro-san had always been watching over me in a variety of ways, insisting upon taking frequent breaks during work, encouraging me to avoid crowded places like the cafeteria or staff room during cold and flu season, and watching closely to make sure I was eating enough. Those understated expressions of affection had stolen my heart. I couldn't point to the moment that my own feelings had turned toward him, I could only identify the moment of realization: this man loves me. And after the information had a minute to sink in, there was a second realization: that I felt the same.

My only regret was waiting for Sojiro-san to approach me first, too hesitant and wrapped up in my feelings of inadequacy to share the truth with him. And, of course, the ever-present knowledge that confessing my feelings for anyone risked burdening that person with the inevitability of my early departure from the world.

I shivered, opening my eyes in an attempt to drive those thoughts away.

His hand squeezed my shoulder. "Hey. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." The lie came to my lips immediately, without any thought. I'd spent years smiling through my pain, waving off concerns with a carefree laugh. No one was actually interested in the details of anyone's suffering, the questions nothing more than small talk required by social convention.

No. That wasn't true. Sojiro-san cared about me. And he wasn't a fool; there was no way he hadn't pieced together the bits of evidence, no matter how hard I tried to hide my illness. I sighed. "Well, I'm fine right now, anyway. You must have noticed that I have good days and bad days."

The pillowcase rustled as he nodded. "Yes, I've noticed." There was a short pause. "It's... is it something to do with your heart?"

A cold spike of adrenaline stiffened my back, and my dry whisper was nearly drowned by the rush of blood in my ears. "How do you know that?"

"I needed a pen, and I looked in your desk without thinking. There's a few envelopes of medicine in your top drawer. I couldn't help noticing the names of the drugs, and I looked them up later, so..." His voice faded away, leaving me to fill in the rest.

It wasn't hard to imagine what he'd learned. "I see."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone through your desk without asking."

My shoulders relaxed. "No, it's better this way. Now I don't have to figure out when or how to bring it up. Shh." I pressed my finger to his lips. "No questions. You can ask me for all the details tomorrow. Right now, I want to enjoy this moment without worrying about things I can't control."

It was a selfish demand. His heart must have been overflowing with questions and anxiety. I could feel them bubbling just beneath the surface, curiosity barely contained by courtesy. So his lingering glances and pained smiles held more than the ache of stifled affection. Maybe it was wrong to feel validated by his concern, but the thought that Sojiro-san had silently shouldered those emotions instead of demanding answers from me only made me want him more.

He nodded, and I took my hand away.

"Thank you," I murmured. There was so much more I wanted to say. I'm me. I'm Nao. I'm a whole person, not a disease that happens to have a body. But I didn't need to say those things, because Sojiro-san already understood. He already knew.

In response, he hugged me close again, tracing his fingers down my spine. I shivered again, this time with the pleasure of an intimate touch. We didn't need words.

The gentle rhythm of quiet breaths tugged steadily at my consciousness, and it wasn't long before I surrendered to sleep.


	8. [reality 07]

When I woke up, I was alone.

A shock of confusion jolted me awake, and I rolled over, stretching out my arm to search for the familiar form that should have been beside me. My knuckles banged into the wall, and I pulled my arm back with a grunt of surprise. I was myself again. My real self.

I flopped over onto my back, cradling my stinging hand to my chest. The mild physical hurt was nothing compared to the sense of loss and disappointment that flooded my senses. When I closed my eyes, I could still feel the weight and warmth of Sojiro-san's arm at my waist, and it was easy enough to imagine that my breath was his, slow and even. Except no, mine was quick and shallow thanks to the rush of emotion that left me aching.

We'd shared nothing more than a simple embrace. Why, then, did I feel like I'd been dragged away from the most intimate moment of my life?

I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Sex with Mika had always been fun and exciting, so of course I'd looked forward to hanging out at her house when her parents weren't home. She'd had fun too - after all, the whole thing was her idea in the first place - and we'd both enjoyed having a casual relationship without any real attachment or expectations. Safe, mutual fun with someone who could be trusted to keep their mouth shut. It had been the perfect relationship.

Except now it felt hollow, my affection for her a mere shadow of real love. I'd always thought that falling in love for real would be the same, just with stronger feelings, fireworks and sparks flying and all that. I'd never imagined that true intimacy was a sense of belonging, of coming home to the place that had always been there for you, and that finding the right person could transform a mere hug into an almost spiritual experience.

"Ugh," I grumbled, shaking my head as if that would be enough to clear the thoughts away. I squinted at the clock, making a face as I realized I'd woken up almost two hours before my alarm. Definitely not the time to be thinking about heavy stuff. I rolled over to embrace my pillow, pulling the blanket up and over my head.

In the calm darkness, all I could think of was Sojiro-san. Or rather, his absence.

What the hell was wrong with me? I'd never had trouble separating dreams from reality before. The other me wasn't me. The other Sojiro-san wasn't the new student teacher.

But I'd kissed him. I'd kissed him, then told him I wasn't into guys. The memory of the disappointment in his eyes twisted my guts into a knot. If I didn't hurry up and pull myself together, I'd end up hurting both of us. I knew that, but I also knew that the moment I saw him standing at the front of the classroom, my reason would jump out the window, abandoning me to deal with my messed up emotions all by myself.

"This sucks," I mumbled into my pillow, though I couldn't decide which sucked more: the jumble of conflicting emotions that promised to keep me awake until morning, or the fact that I was alone and hugging a pillow instead of a warm, solid body.

After math class that day, I realized that what sucked most of all was watching a half-disappointed, half-wistful expression flicker across Sojiro-san's face every time he looked in my direction.


	9. [dream 02]

Physical intimacy was a strange thing, equal parts thrilling and embarrassing with a good dash of not knowing what to expect thrown on top. For me, anyway. Sojiro-san didn't seem embarrassed at all, though I suspected that was due to his familiarity with the whole awkward process.

I let him guide me through each step with gentle but eager encouragement that was peppered with kisses and lingering touches, confirming the impossible: he actually wanted me. Not only that, but he seemed completely unfazed by both my lack of experience and the inadequacies of my body. Every bit of revealed skin was touched and savored, his hands tugging impatiently at my clothes if I hesitated for too long. His enthusiasm sparked boldness in me, and I found myself doing the same, fingers hungry for the smoothness of his skin and the firm curves of muscle that lay beneath.

The floor was quickly littered with discarded clothing, and the hair on my arms stood on end in protest of the temperature. I instinctively sought the warmth of Sojiro-san's arms, hugging his body close to mine as he pressed kisses to my lips. They were tender and gentle at first, soon growing deeper and more insistent. It took all of my concentration to keep up, trying not to become overwhelmed by so many new and exciting sensations all at the same time. My body warmed, and I forgot the chill.

He tugged me over to the bed, still kissing me, still running his hands along my sides and back as if he was desperate to commit every shape to memory. This was really going to happen. The realization made my back stiffen with sudden anxiety. There was no way to hide it. Sojiro-san broke the kiss, his eyes intense as he murmured my name, tone questioning and maybe a bit worried.

"Um..." I began, surprised by the unsteadiness of my voice, "I'm not sure I'm ready..."

"Let's take it slow." His lips brushed mine, the brief contact electric. Ah, it was impossible to take anything slow with him touching me like that, his honest desire showing so plainly on his face that even I, a complete novice, could recognize it.

I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. "I don't know how to take it slow. I feel like I've been waiting forever. But..." I didn't know what to say, how to confess to being nervous and excited and wanting him all at the same time, wanting to press on ahead to the next step but not knowing what that step should be.

"Do you want to try sitting on the bed and touching each other?"

Just like that, he untangled the mess in my heart. A thrill of anticipation shot down my spine. "Yeah. I want to."

We climbed onto the bed and sat facing each other. I pulled my knees up toward my chest, hiding myself from his gaze. Sojiro-san, on the other hand, didn't seem hesitant at all, and sat with his feet planted firmly on the bed, knees apart. I tried not to stare, but I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting to his crotch, face coloring as I noted that his pubic hair was neatly groomed, just like the rest of him. And that such grooming made his organ look bigger than I'd expected, even in its flaccid state.

He must have noticed me staring, but mercifully didn't draw attention to it. Instead, he glanced at the wide space between us and scooted closer. "Let's sit closer, like this. Here." His hands touched the backs of my knees, and I let him unfold my legs enough so they could rest lightly on top of his muscular thighs. I had to fight the urge to cover myself with my hands, digging my fingers into the blanket instead.

"Um," I murmured, still staring.

"Do you want to touch me?"

How was his voice so calm and steady? The lump in my throat made it hard to reply, so I nodded while I tried to swallow it down. "I'm not really sure how."

"Just touch me the way you'd touch yourself." He leaned closer, and I glanced up. "Teach me what you like, Nao."

My heart sank a little. "I don't really touch myself much..." Sure, it was fun enough, until my chest got uncomfortably tight and ruined the mood. I forced down the twinge of doubt that threatened to rise to the forefront of my mind. No, it had to be different with an actual partner. The real thing wouldn't be a problem.

Sojiro-san must have understood the meaning behind my words; he was too perceptive to take them at face value. Still, he smiled, reaching for my hand. "Then, can I show you?"

I nodded, stretching out my hand toward his, and let him guide my fingers to their target. My touch was light and tentative, but his hand curled around mine, pressing my fingers into a firm grip. "Ah," I sighed, instantly embarrassed that I'd let a sound slip out without thinking.

"Here." Sojiro-san's voice was gentle as he moved his hand, showing me what to do. "Like this."

It wasn't all that different from touching myself, just a different angle that required a movement that felt awkward and unfamiliar at first. We leaned closer, touching our foreheads together as we stared down at our joined hands.

No, that wasn't true. It was nothing like touching myself, instead filled with unfamiliar but exciting new details. There was the warm, strong grip of Sojiro-san's hand around mine, the way his voice grew more and more ragged as he encouraged me, and the barest pressure of his breath against my skin. And more than that, the feel of him growing hotter and firmer in my hand, the occasional subtle twitch, the way his hand trembled and faltered as his breaths turned to little pained sounds.

Because of me? Because I was touching him? It seemed impossible. Whatever embarrassment or hesitation I'd held in my heart before was gone, replaced with something like fascination. Sojiro-san wanted me. I could have denied it if he'd only put it into words, but there was no denying the heat against my palm as I squeezed and stroked.

"Nao," his voice was a low groan, "I want to touch you..."

I made some odd noise of assent, too caught up in what I was doing to respond properly. Well, until Sojiro-san untangled his hand from mine and reached for me.

"Sorry my pubes are so messy," I blurted. 

He wasn't able to hold back a laugh. The note of strain in his voice made it sound ten times sexier than usual. "What, are you embarrassed about that? Don't worry, I like the natural look."

And with that, his hand closed around me, his grip firm and confident as he stroked from base to tip once, eyes locked with mine. My eyes squeezed half-shut, and I bit my lip to keep any sound from slipping out. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the sigh from escaping my nose instead. Sojiro-san's smile turned a little playful, maybe a bit dangerous, as he began stroking in earnest. His touch was bold and skillful, and I immediately understood that he'd had plenty of experience. I didn't mind. All that mattered was that he was here with me now, wanting me, touching me.

I tried to concentrate on the motion of my own hand, fumbling a bit without his hand to guide me. Touching Sojiro-san was exciting, but the thrill of his fingers sliding along my flesh stirred something in me that felt impossible to describe. I was used to a warm glow and a slow build of tension, but I found myself trembling with sensations more intense than any feeling I'd managed to summon in those rare times I'd pleasured myself. Sojiro-san had barely touched me, and I was already hard, pressing my lips tightly together to stifle any embarrassing noises.

"You don't have to hold back," he panted, as if reading my mind.

"But... ngh... it's embarrassing."

"It's sexy. I want to know that you... ah... you want me."

I nodded, face growing hotter, and tried to let my insecurities go. I wouldn't die from a little embarrassment, and I had to admit that all the quiet sounds of appreciation from Sojiro-san only added to my excitement. He squeezed lightly, testing me, and I did my best to keep from instinctively stifling a groan. I was rewarded with a quiet huff of amusement, Sojiro-san's usual mild expression of appreciation. Fine, if he was enjoying my weird noises, then I would try not to hold back.

I slid forward slightly, legs opening wider in invitation: touch me more. Sojiro-san complied without hesitation, rubbing more vigorously, fingertips teasing over the places that got the strongest reactions from me. I sighed, squirming a bit in a vain attempt to relieve the pressure that was building in my gut. My mind couldn't help racing ahead. If being stroked and fondled felt good enough to make my hair stand on end, how good would the real thing feel? I stared at my hand with half-lidded eyes, sliding my hand slowly up and down the full length of his erection. It seemed big, too big. But it was about the same size as mine, wasn't it? Average. It didn't _feel_ average...

I wanted it. Even if it was intimidating or embarrassing or both.

Maybe Sojiro-san sensed the shift in my mood, because he pressed his free hand to the back of my head, gently adjusting the angle so he could kiss me. The kiss was anything but gentle, his hot tongue sliding into my mouth with an urgency that stole my breath. His hand tightened around me, and I moaned directly into his mouth. It felt good, almost too good, especially when his fingers withdrew for a moment then returned to rub at the very tip. Was it already wet there? It was hard to tell with my senses scrambled and heart racing.

My chest tightened. My heart thudded in my ears. I tried breathing deeply through my nose, willing my muscles to relax, but the tension continued to rise. It was nothing like the pleasant knot in my groin, but the familiar prelude to intense pressure that would be quickly followed by pain if I refused to heed the warning.

Not now. Why did it have to be now? I tried to force the feeling down, to concentrate on reality, but reality was the problem. The reality of Sojiro-san's body, the heat of his touch, and the proof of his desire for me had pushed my emotions to a high I hadn't felt in years.

All that passion betrayed me in an instant, turning inward to crush my chest.

I broke the kiss with a pained groan and drew back my hand, pressing it to my chest as if outside pressure could do something to relieve the pain. Tears stung my eyes as I struggled to breathe. No, why now? Why did my body always do this to me?! The betrayal cut as deeply as the physical pain. Why couldn't I ever have anything that normal people had? Why couldn't my worthless body experience the most basic human connection? 

I couldn't hold back a quiet, gasping sob. It must have sounded like a gasp of lust, because Sojiro-san didn't understand at first, hand still moving as he peered at my face, expecting to see a blissful expression. A moment later, he stopped short, brows tightening. "Nao? Nao, what happened?"

"Chest... hurts..." was all I could manage.

He supported me as I slumped forward, clutching at my heart. "Nao! Oh god, what should I do? Call the doctor? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

I shook my head against his shoulder. "Pills... top drawer." Why hadn't I thought to take one first? They were for prevention as well as relief. Idiot!

Sojiro-san laid me down on the bed and pulled open the drawer, face pale as he rummaged through my stuff. A few moments later, he held up a small white pill. I nodded, and he pressed it to my lips. "Do you need water? Is there anything else I can get for you?"

I shook my head and tucked the pill under my tongue. Sojiro-san hovered over me as if he was afraid I'd explode if he took his eyes off me, but after a minute, he relaxed a little. He grabbed the extra blanket from the foot of the bed and settled down beside me, pulling it over both of us. The heat of his body and warmth of the blanket calmed me, though I couldn't stop the angry thoughts churning around inside my head. How dare my body do this to me - again! Of course it _had_ to be now, the first and probably only time I'd get the opportunity to have sex!

Damnit. I couldn't hold back the traitorous tears that welled up in my eyes, or the pathetic sniffles that accompanied every breath. Sojiro-san's hand smoothed through my hair, but I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to see his look of concern or pity or whatever. I wanted the fire of his passion and his snappy attitude, not some watered-down version of his personality. What would I do if he started treating me like I was made of glass? I didn't let people get close to me because they inevitably pitied me once they learned about my illness. I was sick of awkward sympathy.

"I'm here. Just breathe." Sojiro-san's voice was tight with controlled worry.

"I'm... fine," I mumbled around the half-dissolved pill.

His fingertips rubbed my scalp. The sensation was soothing. "Nao... I don't think it's a personal failing to admit when you're not fine."

I didn't answer him. I couldn't.

"Is there something I can do, or not do, next time, to keep you safe?"

"There won't _be_ a next time!" I snapped. "Just forget about me!"

"I can't. Do you think I'll just give up on you?" His fingers brushed along my jawline, then my lips. "Nao, I love you. Those aren't empty words. Of course I want to have sex with you, but I'm not going to throw you away if it doesn't happen or it takes time. I want all of you."

"You don't know what 'all of me' really means."

"I don't think I can, no. But I want to be with you, Nao." His hand touched mine, just barely, not adding any weight to my chest. "All of you."

The anger in my heart softened and began to dissolve along with the medication. I drew in a deep, shuddering breath - as best as I could without accidentally swallowing the pill - and rolled over to face him, burying my face in his shoulder. It had been a long time since I'd let myself indulge in tears of self-pity, and though giving in to those ugly emotions made my chest tighten up again, there was a lightness, too. Relief, maybe. It wasn't often that I was honest with myself.

"This sucks. It's not fair," I sobbed.

"I know," he murmured, fingers tracing circles on my back.

I squeezed his arm with the little strength I had left. "Sojiro-san... don't leave me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I'm not going anywhere."

True to his word, he held me close until I was calm enough to fall into an exhausted sleep.


	10. [reality 08]

I woke up with a raging boner.

My room was dark, the stillness of early morning broken only by the soft, rhythmic whir of the fan. Or was that my heavy breathing? The rustle of blankets cut through the quiet as I flung the comforter aside, seeking relief from the trapped heat. My fingers seized the waistband of my pajama pants, yanking both the pants and my underwear down in a single frantic motion. A hiss of relieved satisfaction escaped my lips as I grasped my hot shaft with one hand, bringing the other up to cover my mouth and stifle any further noises.

In the dark, it was easy to imagine that the hand on me wasn't my own. It was easy to kiss the backs of my fingers, remembering the softness of Sojiro-san's lips and the taste of his mouth. It felt natural to suck my fingers into my mouth, imagining his tongue instead. And all the while, my hand stroked up and down, pressure building at a heart-pounding rate.

_Touch me_ was the only thought that howled through my mind, my body caught up in the overwhelming impressions of that touch. My back arched up toward the imagined caress of his fingertips, and I shivered as my nipples brushed against the inside of my shirt. I could feel the weight of his body, the heat of taut muscle as his arms surrounded me, and the faint stirring at my ear as his ragged breath drowned all other sound.

I squirmed, the imagined feel of his body pressing down on mine pushing my excitement to new heights. God, his body was nice, so much better than my own. I'd barely had a chance to grab at his shoulders, but my fingers remembered the contours of muscle. His skin was smooth, its perfection broken only by the occasional mole or freckle, instead of the bumps and rashes that plagued me. I could feel it beneath my hands, soft and yielding as I grabbed at his body to pull him closer.

I couldn't hang on for long, not with the memory of his scent and touch clouding my mind. Just like in the dream, it ended too soon, though in triumph instead of defeat. I bit my fingers to stifle the groan that threatened to escape, breathing his name into my palm instead of the air.

I fell back against the pillow, the fantasy already beginning to dissolve around me. In the space of a few heartbeats, I was nothing more than an overheated, slightly sweaty guy lying half-exposed in my own bedroom. My hand was sticky, and I lifted my arm to look at my stained palm, the glint of wetness barely visible in the soft moonlight. 

Warm satisfaction was swept away by cold shock. I'd gotten caught up in my dream self's emotions, compelled to relieve his frustration with my mind filled with thoughts of his lover. What the hell was wrong with me? The line between dreams and reality blurred a little more each day, until I couldn't quite tell where the boundary was anymore.

No, that was blaming my own actions on an outside force instead of taking responsibility. The fact was, I'd just jerked off to thoughts of another man having sex with me.

"Ugh, what the hell?" I muttered, rolling over to dig a wet wipe out of the pack in my nightstand. I cleaned up and fixed my clothes, covering myself with the blanket again even though I was too warm. I felt exposed, and not in a good way.

Too much thinking and too many worries. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to will myself back to sleep, but not even the familiar post-wank weariness was enough to drown out the thoughts that tumbled through my head. What was the deal with these dreams anyway? Why was I so different from my dream self, but Sojiro-san was almost identical? Was there supposed to be some sort of deeper meaning in how real and coherent it all felt, or was my brain just wired in a way that let me have super vivid dreams?

And I wasn't into guys, so what was up with the sex dreams? As if to spite me, an impression flickered across my mind: the weight of Sojiro-san's cock throbbing against my palm.

My eyes snapped open. "Argh, screw this!" I threw off the blanket again and flipped over onto my stomach, grabbing my cell phone from the nightstand. If my brain was going to ambush me with weird thoughts every time I closed my eyes, then I just wouldn't sleep.


	11. [reality 09]

Of course, I was late for school in the morning.

Professor Miyamoto was waiting for me when I arrived at the middle of first period. All my excuses died on my lips at her sharp glare, leaving me defenseless as she laid into me. "Kasahara! Late again? You _do_ realize that graduation is only a couple of months away and final exams are quickly approaching, yes? If the student council vice president can't be bothered to show up on time, how do you think the other students are going to behave? You're in a position of influence, Kasahara, so use it to do some good! Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?"

I wasn't sure if she actually expected an answer until a few uncomfortable seconds ticked by.

"I'm sorry, Professor, I haven't been sleeping well recently." I decided to try appealing to her softer side - assuming she had one. "I feel kind of sick all the time..."

She let out an aggravated sigh. "That old story again? You may be able to weasel your way out of PE class with that excuse, but there's nothing preventing you from getting to school on time!" Her dry and wrinkled hands darted out to adjust my tie. "And you look like you just rolled out of bed. What's wrong with you? You've gotten away with a lot of nonsense because your grades are decent, but this is too much. Quit pushing your luck, Kasahara, or there will be consequences!"

"I'm sorry," was all I could say.

"You don't _look_ sorry to me," she grumbled. "Anyway, you'd better get to class before you miss all of world history. But I'm warning you, Kasahara, the next time you're late, you'll be explaining yourself to the principal, and he's much less forgiving than I am."

Ugh. Now _that_ was an effective threat. I'd only spoken with the principal a few times before as part of student council work, but that was more than enough. That guy was so strict and humorless he made Miyamoto look like a marshmallow. "Yes, Professor, I understand. I won't be late again."

"Hmph, we'll see about that. Now get to class!"

As expected, the classroom fell silent when I entered, all eyes on me as I slunk over to my desk and dug out my world history book. I completely ignored Shimon's poking and prodding until the period was over, not wanting to risk drawing any more attention to myself. The moment the bell rang, I spun around in my chair and snatched the pencil from his hand.

"Stop being a dick."

Shimon tried to grab the pencil away from me, but I moved it behind my back. He gave up and folded his arms over his chest. "Whatever. Anyway, _you're_ the dick, ignoring me the whole time. I just wanna know why you're late again."

"The usual. Annoying dreams, not enough sleep." Shimon knew some of the details of the dreams, but of course I'd kept the stuff about Sojiro-san to myself.

"Can't you just turn them off already? I mean, it's been going on forever, so you should have learned to control it by now."

Control? Those dreams were totally out of control at this point. Crap, was my face getting hot? "Dreams just happen, no one gets to control them."

"It would be cool to have super vivid sex dreams, though."

My gut knotted up as memories flickered through my mind. "Ugh, probably not. It would just be awkward as hell when you wake up."

"Heh, that's true... waking up with a boner and no one to share it with would suck."

I hoped my laugh didn't sound as forced as it felt. "You really have a way with words, Shimon."

Whatever stupid thing he was going to say next got cut off by the squeak of the door. Conversation dropped to a low murmur as half the class - aka all the girls - straightened up and turned toward the door to watch Sojiro-san enter the classroom, followed closely by Professor Sato.

"Good morning, class," Sato began, and started droning on about exam schedules and how much material we had to cover before graduation. Everyone ignored him. I snuck a glance at Sojiro-san, but he was focused on prepping his books, eyes fixed on the desk. He looked sullen, lips pressed together in a tight line, face completely void of the usual excitement it held while he explained tedious things like derivatives and limits.

Of course he'd had the same dream as me. Had he woken up, hard and frustrated, remembering the disappointment of failed sex? Had he jerked off too, thinking of the other me, only to realize afterward that he'd have to face me in class? Ugh. I crossed my arms on top of the desk and hid my reddening face in them.

A minute later, Shimon tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, I need my pencil back, that's the only one I have on me."

I lifted my head up just enough to free one arm and offer the stolen pencil. "Buy more from the school store at lunch, lazy."

The pencil was snatched from my hand. "Who's the lazy one? You better sit up before someone bitches you out for sleeping in class again."

Crap, I'd already forgotten Miyamoto's warning. I sat up, rubbing at my cheek. Had the blush gone away? It was hard to tell, but my face didn't feel overly warm anymore. "Yeah, I need to be careful. Miyamoto lectured me and threatened to send me to the principal if I'm late again."

"You're doomed, then. No way are you gonna make it through the rest of the year without being late even once. Anyway--" Shimon was cut off by a high-pitched squeak from a nearby student. "What the hell, why are girls are so annoying? Who gives a shit about some student teacher? Dude's probably gay, anyway."

My back stiffened a little. "What makes you say that?"

"Dunno, that's just the impression I get. He's been ignoring all the chicks in class from day one, and he's way too put together. Even his socks match his outfit."

"Dude, you're paying an awful lot of attention if you're noticing stuff like his socks." Even I hadn't noticed that, and I spent every math period staring at him!

"Whatever. Artists have to be observant. I pay attention to details, unlike you."

I rolled my eyes. "You're a musician, not an artist."

"I'm a _musical_ artist," Shimon huffed.

Class started, and I missed my chance to fire back. I spent the period alternating between staring into my book as if it held the answers to all the mysteries of the universe, and sneaking glances at Sojiro-san whenever I thought I could get away with it. He studiously avoided my side of the room, and the entire class went by without us making eye contact even once.


	12. [reality 10]

Lunchtime. I grabbed my bento and headed over to the copy room, where I'd been helping Sojiro-san with all the menial tasks the other teachers had been heaping on him for the past couple of weeks. He glanced up from his lesson planner as the door creaked, his faint smile of greeting quickly hardening to something I couldn't quite read. Annoyed, maybe, and disappointed. Whatever it was, it made my heart lurch, and I froze mid-step.

He turned back to his work. "Go back to class. I don't want your help."

Another stab of disappointment. He didn't have to be so harsh - he could have said he didn't _need_ my help, but to not want it, that stung. My protest sounded weak even to my own ears. "Professor Miyamoto will have my head if I don't help out..."

"That's not my problem." 

Irritation welled up. "Yes it is! You're the one kicking me out because you don't want to deal with... all that stuff." I waved my hand, annoyed. "I can't help being late to school with all that going on, and now you're taking away my one chance to prove myself. What if I get expelled right before graduation?"

He glanced up again, the tightness around his eyes softening just a bit. "I'll talk to her later."

"That doesn't help me _now_ , though!"

His eyes narrowed, and I took an unconscious step back. "Don't try to lay the blame on me, Nao. I made it to work on time. Now get out of here, I have a lot of work to do."

"Fine! Good luck with your mountain of busywork, then!" I slammed the door behind me and stomped back to the classroom. Again, I had to deal with my classmates staring at me as I made my way to my desk. I plopped down with a grumbled sigh.

Shimon raised one eyebrow. "Back already? What, did you piss off the student teacher too?"

"Yeah, I did. I pissed off everyone in the entire world, apparently." I jerked the cloth wrapping off my bento and popped the lid. At least mom's cooking wouldn't betray me. The neat rows of chicken meatballs and pickled cucumber, with a generous side of rice, could put a smile on anyone's face.

Except Professor Miyamoto's, it seemed. "Kasahara, why are you still here? You're supposed to be helping Sakaki-san with his lesson planning, or did you already forget that?"

I hopped to my feet almost instinctively, bowing my head. "I went to the copy room, but Sakaki-san said he didn't need my help today, so I came back here. I didn't want to get in his way."

"Are you sure he didn't just shoo you away because you're more of a hindrance than a help?"

I tried not to let my irritation seep into my voice. "Professor, I swear it's true. You could go ask him."

"Don't think I won't! You stay right there until I come back, you hear?"

"Understood, Professor."


	13. [reality 11]

I got home later than usual that evening because the student council meeting ran long. It was already pretty dark by the time I pushed my way through the front door, but the thing that made me feel like I'd totally lost track of time was seeing both my parents sitting on the couch.

"Whoa, I never thought you'd get home before me, Dad!" I waved at him, then bent to take off my shoes. He didn't respond right away, which was a little odd, but maybe he was tired from working late all the time. I know I'd be wiped out after dealing with annoying meetings all day.

When I straightened up, Dad was watching me with a serious expression that was difficult to read, very unlike his usual easy smile. "I came home early because we have some things to discuss." He motioned toward the loveseat that was directly across from the couch. "Sit down, Nao."

My guts knotted up in an instant. Getting called over to the interrogation chair was bad enough, but to know that Dad had actually left work early - something that he only managed a few times a year, usually for family birthdays - meant that I was in deep shit. Still, I tried to play it cool as I made my way to the loveseat and sat down, watching Mom and Dad with a pasted-on smile. "Um, so what did we need to discuss?"

Mom spoke first. "I got a call from Professor Miyamoto today. Now, I know I've been pretty lax in the mornings and it's partially my fault that you've been late so often, and I let her know that. I thought that would be the end of it, but..." She glanced at Dad.

Unlike Mom, Dad's voice wasn't apologetic at all. "Your performance in school has been slipping, Nao. You're not just late because of oversleeping, you're tired and not paying attention in class. It's affecting your grades and your extracurricular activities."

Dad paused, almost as if inviting a response. It was a trap. I bit my tongue to keep from protesting or attempting to explain. Speaking up before Dad had a chance to say everything he wanted to was just asking for trouble.

"I thought we already discussed the importance of sustaining your efforts until the very end." Dad leaned forward, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. It was impossible to look away from his piercing stare. "You don't get to coast for the rest of the school year just because the center test is behind you. Aren't you the one who had dreams of getting accepted to a top university? That means more entrance exams, and soon."

Ugh, dreams. It had been a long time since that word had meant a future goal instead of a second life that haunted me every other night.

I nodded without saying a word.

"Why, then," Dad continued, "are you letting your discipline slip now? This is the most critical time to maintain good habits. I don't care if you sleep all summer _after_ you get your exam scores and acceptance letters, but if you think you're going to be allowed to screw up your future at the very last moment, I have news for you. You're not. If you can't motivate yourself to study, I have no problem sending you to a cram school, and I don't care if that means you have to quit the student council and that you have no time for a social life. You're a third year high school student, Nao. Right now, that is the only thing that matters. It's your job, and if I can't trust you to take it seriously, then I _will_ employ outside measures to _make sure_ you take it seriously. Is that understood?"

Oh yeah, I definitely understood. Two years ago, Tomo's grades had gone to hell because he'd stupidly decided that he didn't feel like doing any of his homework, and he'd been stuffed into a cram school specializing in study skills less than three days after Dad found out about it. He'd ended up missing the second half of the track season that year, something he still bitched about regularly. 

"Yes, Dad. Understood very clearly."

"I see. In that case, why don't you explain to me and your mother exactly why you've been slacking off recently?" His eyes narrowed slightly, and the concerned warmth drained from his face. "From what I understand, it seems to be stemming from a lack of proper sleep."

My back stiffened, eyes darting from Dad to Mom - who was carefully avoiding eye contact - and back again. Were they suspicious? Could they tell that I was hiding the dreams from them? I tried to ignore the tightness in my stomach and prayed that my voice wouldn't be too shaky. "You're right, Dad, I've been staying up too late doing stuff like playing games and talking to my friends. I guess I got too relaxed after taking the center test. Or," I was hit with a bolt of inspiration, "maybe it's subconsciouslly rebelling against responsibility? I've been stressed out about final projects and exams, plus there's a lot of student council work leading up to graduation."

"Wouldn't you be less stressed if you stayed up late to finish your work instead of wasting time on video games?" Mom frowned. "You're creating your own problems, Nao."

"I know," I quickly agreed, knowing it would be a lot easier to get Mom on my side. "It's a bad habit. I just need to break it."

"You could give us your laptop when you go to your room at night so you're not tempted."

I tried not to make a face at Mom's suggestion; there was some _questionable_ stuff saved on my laptop that would have to be purged before handing it over, just in case they decided to snoop. Still, it was way better than having Dad suspecting that it was anything more than a bit of overindulgence in video games or porn.

Unfortunately, Dad wasn't having any of it. "Hang on, dear, I think this is a bit more complicated." He patted Mom's hand gently, then fixed me with his serious stare again. "Nao, you've never had problems with staying up too late before. Your room is almost always completely dark and quiet whenever I go to bed, and I've been asleep before ten a few nights recently. I want you to be truthful with me. Why aren't you sleeping well?"

I couldn't look away. What was I supposed to say? There was no way I could tell him the truth. Yeah, those crazy dreams I had when I was a kid, the ones you dragged me to a bunch of psych appointments over? Actually, I never stopped having them, and they're getting more intense all the time, plus my dream self is seriously ill now and could die at any moment.

That would just land me in the psych ward.

The painful silence was broken by the creak of footsteps on stairs. Everyone turned to stare at Tomo as he rushed into the living room.

"Tomo," Mom frowned at him, "didn't I tell you to stay in your room until I came to get you? Your dad and I are having a serious discussion with Nao. Go back upstairs."

"But you guys are just picking on Brother."

How did he know that? Had he been watching the whole time?

Dad was less gentle than Mom. "Tomo, this discussion doesn't concern you. Go to your room."

Ever since the cram school incident, Tomo was less inclined to argue with Dad about anything, but he shook his head. "Dad, Brother is important to me, so if it concerns him, it concerns me too. Please, let me be part of this too. I bet I can help."

Not even Dad was immune to Tomo's wide-eyed innocent act. "Tomo, I'm glad you support your brother, but this is an adult discussion."

Tomo made a face; there was nothing that kid hated more than being _treated_ like a kid. "I get that, Dad, but wouldn't it be good for me to learn about adult discussions? Plus it sounds like Brother is having a tough time, so I want to help any way I can." He turned his best angelic smile toward Mom. "Please, Mom? I promise not to cause trouble."

Mom nudged Dad's shoulder. "Dear, maybe it's not such a bad idea..."

Dad caved in. He always did when double-teamed by Mom and Tomo. Sometimes I wondered if Tomo was secretly his favorite or something. It didn't bother me, though, because I was Tomo's favorite - which meant that indirectly, Dad was my slave too.

"Alright. I know you care about your brother very much, Tomo. Take a seat."

"Thanks, Dad! And Mom too!" Tomo plopped down on the loveseat next to me.

I'd never loved Tomo more than I did in that moment. Finally, someone was on my side. Or so I thought. "Hey, Brother, why don't you just tell Mom and Dad what's up?"

My stomach dropped. It took all my self control to keep from snapping at Tomo and revealing that there _was_ something weird going on. Instead, I frowned at him, heart pounding so hard I could barely hear my protest over the rush of blood in my ears. "Tomo, I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing's up, it's just senioritis."

Tomo rolled his eyes at me. "You're such a bad liar, Brother."

"Tomo," Dad leaned closer, "what do you know?"

My back broke out in a cold sweat. Tomo wouldn't really betray me, would he?! "Nothing! Tomo doesn't know anything, he's just being a nosy brat again." I glared at him. "He thinks he knows everything about me for some reason, you guys know that."

"I _do_ know everything about you, Brother," Tomo turned to me with a smug smile. "So if you're not gonna tell Mom and Dad, I will."

"You better not!" I snapped reflexively.

"So there _is_ something," Mom murmured.

Shit! And there was nothing I could do to keep Tomo from blabbing. My chest tightened, eyes stinging as Tomo continued with his sudden betrayal.

"Well, there's only one reason why Brother would be so tired all the time, right? It's obvious that he's in loooooooooove."

Oh my god, he wasn't going to stop at the dreams?! He was going to spill all the details about Sojiro-san too, including the kiss I'd initiated at the park!

"Huh?" Dad blinked, confused. "In love?"

"Yeah! Brother's got a crush on someone, that's why he's pretending to go to bed early, so he can stay up all night texting and dying of sappy heartache. Gross, right?" Tomo grinned at me. "You're such a dork, Brother."

I must have looked just as confused as Dad. So Tomo _wasn't_ betraying me?

"Oh, Nao!" Mom's tender smile instantly relieved the tension in the room. "Why didn't you just say so? No wonder you've been such a mess recently. So who's the lucky girl?"

My mouth moved, but nothing came out, my brain still frantically trying to catch up with what was going on. Tomo gave me a subtle nudge, and all the pieces finally fell into place. He was covering for me! My little brother, who seemed like nothing more than a self-centered brat sometimes, had come up with a believable and sympathetic cover story that our parents would totally buy.

"Uh... um, it's... it's really embarrassing, that's why." My mind raced, searching for an excuse that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well... um... it's one-sided. She, uh, she's just a friend. It's not going to go anywhere." I met Mom's eyes, suddenly confident in my bullshit story thanks to her sympathetic expression. "She likes another guy. Actually, she's been complaining to me about how he doesn't notice her and stuff. I've been totally friendzoned, but I don't know what to do. I mean, I value her as a friend too, so I can't suddenly stop being supportive. It's just hard on me, you know?"

"I completely understand." Mom nodded. "Let me guess, is it that Sagimori girl? She's such a sweetheart, and a real beauty too!"

I blushed at the suggestion - me and Sagimori? no way! - but that probably made Mom think she'd guessed correctly. Fine by me. Anything that kept them away from the truth was fine. "Uh, no, it's not Sagimori, I swear. It's someone you don't know."

"Hmm," was Mom's only response as she sat back and folded her arms over her chest, a smug look of triumph on her face. Totally bought it. "Oh, I have an idea! I keep telling you, you need to try contacts again. Girls aren't into the glasses look."

Surprisingly, Dad came to my defense. "Now, dear, you know that's just filler nonsense they put in women's magazines. There are millions of men with glasses in this country - me included. Or are you saying you'd rather I wear contacts?"

"Of course not! Your glasses make you look very distinguished. I like them!"

"Haha, Mom, you're totally contradicting yourself," Tomo pointed out.

"Anyway, Nao," Dad focused his attention on me, still a little stern, "you can't let yourself get distracted by girls right now. This is a critical time in your life. It's not an exaggeration to say that your performance in the next few months could very well change the course of your entire life."

I nodded my agreement. If only he knew how close he was to the heart of the actual problem. Whatever was going to happen with Sojiro-san, it was going to happen soon. My dream self knew it, and I felt the truth of it in my own heart too. "I understand, Dad."

"So that means no more late night texting. I'm not going to do something like demand that you hand over your phone after lights out - and I'm sure you don't want either of us looking at your texts with this mystery girl. We're going to trust you to manage yourself better." He peered at me over the top of his glasses. "For now, anyway. If this continues, however, it will be a very different story. And your mom will back me up on this."

"Yes, that's right." Mom squeezed Dad's hand. "I know I've bothered you a bit about finding a girlfriend, but this isn't the time to focus on things like that. You're such a good student, Nao, you can't trip up at the last hurdles. Promise me you'll keep working hard."

My heart was warmed, my words sincere as I promised. "I will, Mom. I won't mess up now." After a brief pause, I added, "Sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner. I was so embarrassed."

From the understanding smiles on my parents' faces, I could tell that my little addition at the end had clinched it. They'd fallen for the whole dumb story, hook, line, and sinker. "Don't worry about it, dear, of course we remember how tough it was to be young." Mom got up from the couch, looking relieved. "I'm glad it was nothing more serious."

"Me too," Dad agreed. "And Tomo, thanks for spilling the beans. Your mom and I were getting very worried, so it's a relief to know that there wasn't anything odd going on. You boys can head up to your rooms until dinner. Nao, be sure you're actually studying and not texting, okay?"

"Yes, Dad, you got it." I stood and picked up my overloaded school bag.

Dad caught the sleeve of my uniform jacket as I passed by him. "Hey. If you really like that girl, don't give up on her just yet. Your mom was dating someone else when I she first caught my eye, and I had to wait for that relationship to end. And then I had to ask her out about ten times before she said yes. But," he eyed me, "put it on hold until after graduation. Okay?"

Honestly, putting the whole thing with Sojiro-san on hold would be for the best. Except for the problem with my dream self's declining health, of course. I swallowed back the vague sense of panic and forced a smile. "Okay, Dad, I will. Thanks for the advice."

"Come on, Brother!" Tomo was standing at the bottom of the stairs, tapping his foot impatiently. "I need your help with English homework!"

"Okay, okay, keep your pants on," I sighed, hurrying to follow him up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

As soon as we were inside his room, he poked me in the chest. "You owe me, Brother."

I heaved a sigh of relief, all the stored up tension draining from my shoulders and leaving me feeling like I had no bones at all. "Oh my god, Tomo, you scared the hell out of me. How did you come up with that story? I was sure you were about to sell me out."

"I'd never do that," he huffed. "Geez, I can't believe you'd doubt me, Brother."

"Sorry, Tomo, but what else was I supposed to think? Man, you're a good actor..."

"So you're gonna preorder the newest Pokemon game for me, right? I gotta check with Yuki and see which version he's getting so I can get the other one."

I shook my head with a fond sigh. I couldn't even be mad at my little brother for bending the situation to his advantage. "Fine, you got me. I'll get it for you, but you better let me know which version you want before the preorders sell out, okay?"

Tomo's eyes lit up. "I'll call Yuki right now, then!"

"Okay. I'll be doing homework in my room. Come make your demands when you're ready."

Once my bedroom door was shut behind me, I sat on my bed and silently planned my comeback. First, the student council stuff, and then making sure the actual events went off without a hitch. Of course, I'd have to get to school on time every day, which meant going to bed early. And that meant I'd have to be more efficient about my homework. I'd have to skip hanging out with Shimon after school and goofing off with Tomo in the evenings, but it had to be done. Grinding for a couple of months wouldn't kill me.

I tried not to think about what a couple of months would do to the _other_ me, though...

Tomo busted into my room before I could spend a lot of time dwelling on my grim thoughts, and I let him hang out and do his homework with me so I wouldn't be tempted to wallow in worry.


	14. [dream 03]

There was something magical about bare skin. The yielding warmth of it beneath my fingertips was like nothing else I'd experienced before, the smooth softness a sharp contrast to the muscle and bone beneath. I couldn't keep my hands still on Sojiro-san's body, roving hands seeking new shapes and sensations: the curve of his lean bicep, the hardness of his shoulder, the hollow of his collarbone. My hand slipped lower, palm pausing at the center of his chest. His heartbeat was strong and a little fast, and if I listened carefully, his breath was a bit heavier than usual.

I raised my eyes to his face, finding that his eyes were half-closed and his lips were slightly parted in a silent sigh. So it wasn't my imagination. I leaned in, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He turned his head to catch my lips with his own, arm tightening around my waist. I shivered lightly as his fingers stroked the small of my back, toying with the waistband of my underwear, and I arched closer.

The kiss deepened. To be honest, it felt a little awkward and clumsy, but those feelings were soon replaced by a thrill of excitement. Sojiro-san wasn't hesitant at all, and his confidence chased away any shyness I felt because of my fumbling inexperience. I pressed closer, clinging to his shoulder as if it was an anchor that could keep me from being swept away by my emotions. I couldn't explain why it felt so good to have his tongue rubbing against mine, or why I suddenly didn't care that embarrassing sounds were leaking from our joined lips. I only knew that I wanted to be closer, and that a familiar heat was beginning to develop between us.

The kiss ended abruptly, Sojiro-san drawing back a little to pull his hips away while still holding me. My passion cooled in an instant, replaced by frustration. "Hey..."

"Sorry," he mumbled, refusing to meet my eyes. "I was getting carried away."

"Yes, I noticed." I'd been quite aware of the heat building between us.

He bit his lip and remained silent. I didn't know what to say, but it wasn't long before he sighed and admitted, "I'm sorry we can't do more than this. I feel like this is a cruel tease for you, reminding you of what you can't have."

Ah, so that was it. I hugged him to me, breathing in his scent. It was warm and comforting, but exciting at the same time. "You don't need to worry about that. This is plenty for me." 

He pushed me back, hand gripping my shoulder almost too tightly as he finally met my eyes. "Nao, you don't have to say that. I know you're disappointed."

I lowered my eyes. Of course Sojiro-san would think that after the tantrum I'd had after our failed experimentation. It was only natural that he would feel like he had to tiptoe around my limitations to avoid upsetting me further. I suppressed a sigh, knowing that he would think it was directed at him when I was only upset with myself for failing to explain. His body grew tense under my hand, and I knew I had to speak up before he felt pressured into apologizing again.

"I think I understand why you feel that way. Here's the thing," I raised my face, meeting his eyes, "I'm not disappointed. That outburst was... a rare moment of lost control. It's not that I don't let myself feel those sorts of negative emotions, but I try not to express them so violently because it only makes me feel worse. Of course I'd love to do more physically, but I'm happy with what I have now." My fingers traced the hollow of his hip through the light cloth, and I felt my own body warming at the contact. "All my life, I've had to work within the limitations set by my body, so I'm used to it. I realize that it may seem like 'settling' to a healthy person like you, but if I'm doing the best I can with what I have, then there's no reason to be disappointed."

He looked like he wanted to protest, but after a while, he nodded. "I guess that's true." His expression made it clear that he didn't fully accept it, though.

I snuggled into his arms, happy that he embraced me without hesitation despite his doubts. "It's fine if you don't agree. Our experiences are different. But one thing is the same, isn't it? The person I love loves me too. I'd never be disappointed with that. And it's not like I can't do anything. We can hold each other like this." I kissed the side of his neck. "And..."

"And...?" He shivered lightly as I moved my lips over his skin. "Nao?"

"Well," I drew back, lips curving into an impish smile, " _you_ aren't limited by your body. There's so many things I could do to you..."

His eyes widened, just a little, and it took him a moment to find his voice again. "Isn't it dangerous for you if you get too worked up?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "We can always stop if I get too excited."

"But won't you feel like it's not fair?"

"You're protesting an awful lot for someone who looks like he _wants_ to be touched." I let my hand ghost over his bare chest, earning a quiet hiss of breath in response. "I'll probably feel that it's a little unfair, of course. But I want to do it. I want to know what excites you, what makes your heart beat fast, how you look when you're aroused." My cheeks warmed a little at the naked honesty of my confession. "And I think I'll be able to appreciate you even more if I'm not distracted by your touch..."


	15. [reality 12]

A couple of weeks ticked by, the chill of winter nights punctuated by increasingly sexy dreams. The constant frustration and longing made it hard to concentrate on anything, but I managed to avoid pissing off Miyamoto by getting to school early every day. Afternoons were slightly better; since I wasn't helping Sojiro-san anymore during lunch, I was free to take a quick nap after eating. I distracted myself with student council, taking the lead on planning several end of year events for the graduating class. Everything was looking up.

So why couldn't I stop obsessing about how Sojiro-san was doing his best to avoid me?

"Fucking dreams," I grumbled, staring at my phone. I'd normally be more careful about looking at it during school, but I was alone in the student council room, sorting out flyers during my free period. I read and reread the 'conversation' on my screen as I picked at my bento. Sojiro-san hadn't replied even once since the day he chased me out of the copy room, though the app informed me that he was reading all my messages. That only prompted me to keep trying, and my increasingly desperate texts made me sound like a pathetic loser.

_I've heard you've been really busy with all the crap work the other teachers gave you. Let me help you out, okay? I promise not to talk about stuff if you don't want to._

_Please don't avoid me because of what happened in the dream. You know we don't have any control over what happens in there, so it's pointless to get mad at me._

_Come on, this is getting dumb. Avoiding me isn't going to make the dreams go away. Look, if you're mad about what happened in the park, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to sound like a dick. It was really overwhelming to meet you in real life and I said stupid things. Please talk to me._

Ugh. It was worse than a girl trying to get back with the boyfriend who'd dumped her. Still, I couldn't resist tapping out yet another needy message:

_You know, school is the perfect place to talk about this stuff. It's neutral and no one will think it's weird that we're together, everyone knows Sato told me to help you out. So I'll come by during lunch, okay?_

It showed up as read almost immediately. That wasn't unusual. What got my heart pounding was seeing the three little dots indicating that he was actually typing a response.

_No. If you want to have a serious talk, it has to be after school._

My hands were shaking as I typed out a reply. _Where and when can I meet you?_

_5pm at the park._

I'd have to skip out halfway through the student council meeting - the one that I'd specially arranged to go over the events schedule - but I didn't care.

_I'll be there._


	16. [reality 13]

I somehow managed to escape the student council meeting early, even though Sagimori looked like she was about to cry when she realized I really was dumping all my work on her.

_Naooooo, that's so mean, you left all the hardest stuff for me and the other members!_

I'd promised to come in early tomorrow and finish my part, but all she'd done was sigh and grumble about how I could barely get to school on time, much less early. The sting of her words only doubled my resolve. I hadn't realized just how much my reputation had slipped. Honestly, I didn't really care what the teachers thought, but disappointing someone as forgiving as Sagimori was the lowest of the low. I really needed to redeem myself before the end of the school year.

All my worries were forgotten the moment I spotted Sojiro-san at the park entrance. Unlike the first time, he seemed agitated, looking around impatiently. Instead of smiling when he caught sight of me, his expression remained stiff as he offered a curt nod.

My stomach knotted up. "I'm not late, am I?"

"No, you're right on time. Let's go."

"Go? We're not going into the park?"

But he didn't answer, and I had no choice but to hurry after him as he set off down the street. At first we stuck to the main road, then he turned off onto a side street and led the way through a small residential area that soon gave way to an old, run-down strip mall where only half of the stores were still occupied. Weird. Did he need to go shopping or something? What could possibly be in a crappy old shopping center, though?

Except we weren't going inside. Sojiro-san motioned for me to follow him around to the side of the building, where there was nothing but a bunch of overgrown bushes.

"Alright, this should be far enough out of the way," he announced.

My pulse quickened. What were we going to be doing, then? Wait, no, why was I anticipating anything more than talking? Of course we had to be out of the way to avoid being seen by nosy teachers or anyone else from school. Coming all the way to a nearly abandoned parking lot was nothing more than Sojiro-san trying to protect both of us from gossip.

Probably.

He must have noticed the anticipation in my eyes, because his expression grew stern. "Don't look at me like you're expecting anything more than a conversation."

"I'm not," I lied.

He looked like he wanted to call me out on it, but decided against it. "The only reason I'm meeting with you today is so I can make myself perfectly clear, without any excuses about texting being too ambiguous. This ends today. I'm not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with you. I'll continue to teach your class because I have no choice, but I'm not interacting with you during school hours or at any other time. Is that clear?"

My chest tightened and my heart frantically beat at its bounds as if trying to escape. I wasn't the type to get nervous, and for a handful of seconds, I could only stare at him dumbly. But I also wasn't the type to back down easily, and the crush of disappointment was quickly joined by a defiant anger. "No, it's not. You don't get to decide that on your own. Those dreams aren't going away just because you've decided you don't like them--"

"Stop using a fantasy as your reason for clinging to me. We're strangers, and you constantly attempting to become more than that is going to jeopardize my career and my reputation."

Fine, if he was going to go directly for the kill, then I wasn't going to hold back either. "You're the one who's affecting your own reputation. Everyone's noticed that you suddenly got pissy around me and you won't let me help with your busywork anymore. And we're _not_ strangers. I can tell what you're thinking right now from the look on your face, how many strangers can you do that with?"

"A surprising number," he snapped, "if you have the common sense to interpret basic facial expressions!"

"It's not basic, I know you, how you think, how you speak, the way you react to things! Why is it so wrong for me to be interested in someone I've already met?"

He took a step forward, and I found myself shrinking back, gut tightening at the threat in his voice. "If you want to be attracted to a man who doesn't exist, that's your business, but I won't have you dragging _me_ into it. Dreams and reality are different. Period."

"Are they really?" I forced myself to straighten up and stare directly into his eyes. "You're trying to push me away because you're afraid of relationships, aren't you?" Maybe it was wrong to feel a stab of self-satisfaction at his look of shock, but it gave me the courage to keep going. "Yeah, I know all about that, because dream you told me all about it. Crappy, shallow relationships with random guys, or how you always break it off if things get too serious because you're way deep in the closet. But if dreams and reality are different, why are you letting that stuff affect your real life? If none of it is real, why are you so worried about it?"

Shit, that was either the exactly right or exactly wrong thing to say. Sojiro-san froze for what was probably only a moment, but it felt like forever with his icy stare burning into me. When he raised one hand, I instinctively backed up until I was pressed against the brick wall, heart hammering in my chest. His fingers dug into my shoulder as he leaned in, face only centimeters from mine.

"You have no right to judge me for using fiction as a model for understanding how _not_ to live my life. And you have no right to demand anything of me. You're not gay. You don't understand. And," his eyes narrowed, "I'm not interested in being your personal vehicle for self-discovery. I'm not going to fuck around with a high school student who _might_ be interested in exploring his sexuality, not because of actual introspection, but because he got overinvested in a worthless dream. I'm not your personal toy, I'm not here to help you find yourself, and I'm not here to be your fantasy."

With Sojiro-san leaning so close, all I could do was stare at his face while the familiar scents of cigarette smoke and his cologne filled my consciousness. I'd never seen him so angry, brows scrunched together and a sneering look of disgust on his lips.

Was this how it all ended? I'd been thrilled to meet him in reality, to have my double life validated in an indisputable way. Finally, someone who could understand what I'd been through, who wouldn't dismiss me as an overly sensitive hypochondriac or an irresponsible teenager. We had a special bond, one that had the potential to grow into a lifelong relationship.

But he hated me and everything I represented.

I crumbled. All the weakness and anxiety that had been piling up for months busted through the cracks of the image I'd been trying to hold together - the quirky and somewhat irresponsible but still trustworthy student council vice president. In that moment, I was reduced to an exhausted and sleep-deprived high school kid who was terrified of dropping dead at any moment.

I must have looked like I was about to cry - I definitely _felt_ like I was - because his attitude changed instantly. At first I thought it was something like the grudging guilt of a bully who was afraid of getting caught, but I knew his reactions well enough to recognize that it was more. His features softened into an expression of genuine regret, and when he released my shoulder, his hand came up to cup my cheek.

"Nao, I'm sorry," his voice was a husky whisper that made my skin tingle, "I didn't mean..."

He didn't finish his apology. Instead, he leaned close, eyes dropping shut as he pressed a kiss to my lips. Relief swept through my entire body. The kiss was awkward and stilted at the start, Sojiro-san fumbling hesitantly as if afraid I would reject him. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his body and held him to me, parting my lips in invitation. He tasted like cigarettes poorly masked by sweet mint, but I didn't care, and even the painful throb of my overexcited heart and the strange dizziness I felt were oddly comforting. They were proof that this was real, that he cared about me.

And then it ended abruptly, my overheated body left cold as he shoved me away and took a quick step back. My gaze lingered on his damp lips for a few seconds before moving up to meet his eyes, finding them wide with an almost wild look. It took a moment to find my voice. "S... Sojiro-san?"

He shook his head, clearly in shock. "Don't..."

I pushed away from the wall, reaching for him. "What's wrong?"

He scrambled back out of range. "Everything. Everything's wrong. Stop that!" He batted at my hand when it got too close. "Just... stay away from me!"

With that, he turned and ran, not quite literally, but damn close. I made no move to follow; there was no point, he obviously had no intention of talking to me. I slumped back against the wall with a sigh, wincing as the back of my head bumped against the brick. I must have hit the wall when he shoved me away, not hard enough to notice it at the time, but enough that it was tender.

"Fuck!" I covered my face with my hands. "What the hell am I supposed to do about all this?"


	17. [dream 04]

I slumped into the oversized armchair that dominated the small living room in my staff dorm apartment, wishing I could sink permanently into its comfortable depths. Then I wouldn't have to remember the surprised disappointment on Sojiro-san's face as I blew off his innocent curiosity about how the appointment with my specialist had gone. Even better, I wouldn't have to explain my unfounded sense of dread at the news I'd received. Oh, it was nothing more sinister than a confirmation that an experimental mix of medications had failed to show better results than the more conventional combination, but somehow...

"Something's wrong," I murmured to myself. As if to prove my point, I was immediately overtaken by a coughing fit that left me exhausted and gasping for air.

No, that was normal. Well, not _normal_ , but everything was as expected. No significant change, and I'd been warned well in advance that most patients in the trial hadn't responded to the experimental treatment. Even my parents, who fussed over me and my health constantly, had seemed unfazed when I called them after the appointment to deliver an update.

Maybe I was overreacting. Everyone had seemed so hopeful about the new drug regimen, so it was only natural that I was disappointed. Of course I felt that disappointment more keenly than anyone else; it was _my_ body refusing to respond to treatment. My family was sad, but they didn't have to live with the vague sense that something was always wrong.

They didn't have to personally face the reality of dying young.

And for the first time, I had to consider the effect my death would have on someone close who wasn't part of my family. I'd always had lots of friends, but the other kids at the orphanage were younger than me, too naive to fully understand the emotional impact of my illness. After being adopted, I hid my condition from any new friends, wanting to shed my old identity as the sickly boy. Working among corporate rivals at Bell Liberty had forced me to hide anything that might have been seen as an exploitable weakness, so of course I'd kept it all to myself.

Hiding the truth from Sojiro-san had been only natural. Still, I'd felt relief when he'd revealed that he'd uncovered my secret by accident, sparing me the guilt of holding it back from him.

Now I realized that his knowledge made me responsible for how that knowledge affected him. That was why I'd avoided him. I wasn't afraid of awkward sympathy or empty comforts; I was used to those and knew how to deal with the irritation. What terrified me was the thought of seeing my lover's face - could I call him my lover? - darkened with worry, and knowing that he would try to shoulder some of the emotional burden. I didn't want him to be marred by that. We'd talked about his past and his current family situation in detail, and I was well aware that he already had enough to carry without adding my mountain of fears to the load.

I didn't want to lie to him. But not telling wasn't exactly the same as lying. And I wasn't doing it to be selfish; I only wanted to enjoy our budding relationship without burdening it with the stress of every little bump in the road.

"Later," I breathed into the still air. I'd tell him later.


	18. [reality 14]

Sojiro-san refused to reply to any of my messages. He was reading them, often right away, but continued to ignore me both in texts and in class. Somehow I was able to channel my frustration into rage-fueled determination, and I threw myself into my studies and student council activities despite feeling exhausted by every technically sleepless night. Even Professor Miyamoto pulled me aside to remark on how I'd 'finally turned things around,' which of course prompted Shimon to tease me mercilessly all day. I thought he'd get tired of it once he lost his audience, but he kept poking at me even after we went back to his house to work on class projects.

"Maybe she has a crush on you." His shit-eating grin was way too bright for someone who'd already made the same joke a thousand times that day.

"You don't know when to stop, do you?" I rolled my eyes as I untangled myself from the kotatsu blankets. "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Dude, where else would I be going? I have to take a dump. There, aren't you glad you asked now?"

Shimon shrugged, unfazed. "Don't forget to flush."

I ignored the urge to fire back with an equally snarky comment; if we got started, it could go on forever, and I had a more important urge to take care of at the moment. "Yeah, fine."

I took a bit longer in the bathroom than I'd expected, so I was fully expecting Shimon to get on my case about clogging the toilet or whatever. What I wasn't expecting was for him to get right up in my personal space the moment I shut the bedroom door, shoving my phone at my face.

"What the _fuck_ is this, Nao?"

"Whoa, what the hell, man?" It took my eyes a moment to focus on the screen, which was filled with angry texts from Sojiro-san.

 _Care to explain why your little brother and his best friend came to the school to lecture me?_  
_You didn't have the spine to come talk to me in person so you sent your little minions?_  
_And what are you doing telling a couple of kids about this?_  
_You keep insisting that you're serious and now this?_  
_No response? I can tell you're reading these messages! Coward._

__

Oh god, Tomo dragged Yuki to the school to threaten Sojiro-san? "Shit, gimme that!" I grabbed at the phone, but Shimon danced back.

__

"Hell no! You were gone for a long time, bro, I had plenty of time to read the older messages too. Is this what I think it is? Are you trying to hook up with the student teacher? And your idiot little brother knows about it?! The fuck, man?"

__

"It's... it's not what you think!" I cringed as I said it, knowing it sounded like the lamest excuse ever.

__

"Really? Then you'd better sit your ass down," Shimon shoved me toward the bed, suddenly strong in his fury, "and explain every damn detail _before_ I call your parents. And the school."

__

I let him push me down into a sitting position, wishing I could sink into the mattress and disappear. There was nothing I could do but tell the truth. Shimon was easily annoyed and complained about everything, but it was pretty rare for him to actually get angry. And when he was angry, there was no reasoning with him, no weaseling out of making a legit effort to get back on his good side. I had no doubt that he would be on the phone with my parents in a heartbeat if I refused to comply.

__

I gave a weak nod and tried to ignore the heavy dread in my guts as I began, "You know those dreams I've been having since I was a kid? Well... it turns out I'm not the only one."

__

I told him everything, starting with dream me's adversarial relationship with Sojiro-san that had blossomed into friendship and then romantic interest, all the way through to real me getting rejected and then kissed in the parking lot. Shimon listened without interruption, except to ask for more details or to clarify a point he didn't quite get. By the time it was over, I was a mess, cheeks stiff with dried tears and my shirt soaked with sweat. Even Shimon was looking kind of wiped out.

__

"Geez," he sighed as he handed me a fresh tissue, "I wanted to be pissed off at you, but I can't even be mad at this point. What the hell, man, why didn't you tell me what was going on? I'm your best friend, we've known each other forever."

__

"Well," I sniffed, pausing to blow my nose, "I thought you would tell my parents. That was your first instinct when you saw the texts, right?"

__

"Yeah, but what else was I supposed to think without you there to explain it? Without context, it sounds like you're just coming up with weird excuses to get in a teacher's pants." Shimon shot my phone a dirty look. "Or that a nasty teacher is trying to hook up with you."

__

"I know he seems like a horrible person right now, but he's really not." I pressed a hand to my forehead. My brain felt like it was about to explode. "The dreams never used to happen so often, but I guess it's because things are moving fast in the dream world. I swear, the morning after those dreams, I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all. Sojiro-san must be exhausted all the time too. He can't help being a dick."

__

"Maybe not, but he's still the adult in this situation," Shimon pointed out. "He should be taking on most of the responsibility."

__

"I'm an adult too."

__

"Gimme a break. Your birthday was last week. You're not suddenly qualified to be a life coach just because you managed to exist for eighteen years. How old is this dude, twenty... two, I guess?"

__

"Twenty-four," I admitted, "but it's the same for him, right? He's still going to university so it's not like he has any real life experience yet either..."

__

"Dude, we're getting off topic. It's not a contest to see who's got the most or least experience, or who should know better." Shimon leaned back in his chair with a shrug. "The only thing that matters is how you're gonna handle this mess, and it seems like both of you are clueless, so I'll be nice and give you the answer."

__

"What, you think you have the answer? It's not that simple, Shimon."

__

Shimon rolled his eyes. "I said _simple_ , not _easy_ , dumbass. I'm sure you've already figured it out too. Put it on hold for now. Like, don't ignore it, but put dealing with it on hold until you graduate. Once you're done with school and he's not your teacher, no one can say anything about how you guys decide to handle this stuff. And everyone's got their eyes on you right now - your parents, Miyamoto and the other teachers, our classmates - so you have to play it cool."

__

Of course. Well, it wasn't like there was any other solution. "It feels like it's so far away, though. If I keep bottling it up, I'll explode again."

__

"So don't. Talk to me about it. And I bet Sakaki will be reasonable if you back off for a while and let him know you want to have a serious talk after graduation." He motioned toward my phone. "Instead of sending pathetic, desperate texts."

__

Ugh, so Shimon had seen all those messages too? My face turned red.

__

Shimon let out an aggravated sigh. "Okay, fine, that was unnecessary. The point is, if you want this dude to see you as an adult, you gotta start acting like one. So tell him you want to have a serious, no bullshit talk, after school stops being an issue."

__

"I guess," I mumbled, wondering if Sojiro-san would be open to the idea. From his attitude, it seemed more likely that he would just ghost me as soon as the school year was over. It was surprising that he hadn't blocked my number yet. Maybe that was a reason to be hopeful.

__

"If you stop being so clingy, he'll probably stop assuming your feelings are shallow or whatever."

__

"I know I'm being clingy and annoying, but there's no way he'd think my feelings are shallow. I bet he's scared because they're too intense. His feelings too." I thumped the center of my chest. "Right here, man. That other life feels just as real as this one when I'm in it. It's _intense_. When I wake up, I can still feel it. Those memories are a part of me, just like the memories of my real life. There's no way to turn it off, and I can't stop thinking about it when he's right there in front of me. Sojiro-san has to feel the same way, he's just better at hiding it."

__

"When you're not interacting with each other, anyway. It sounds like he has the same problem whenever you're face-to-face, getting his wires crossed and stuff, and then he ends up sending mixed signals. It's a trainwreck." Shimon sighed, kicking the leg of his desk. "Pain in the ass. But graduation's next month. You can survive another month, right?"

__

Survive. The word made me shiver. "I don't know. I told you, dream me is getting weaker every day. It feels different from the other times when things got serious. It's like..." I glanced at Shimon's face for a moment, then lowered my eyes. "Like I can tell that I'm dying."

__

"Nao..."

__

I could tell that Shimon didn't know what to say, but I could guess what he was thinking. "You want to say it's just a dream, right? No matter how sick I got in the dreams, it's never affected my real life beyond making me worry that I had a heart problem too. But dying - I don't want to experience any part of that! And even if it doesn't affect me physically, what if I get so worked up by the _idea_ of it that I have a heart attack out of sympathy or something?"

__

His eyebrows rose. "Shit, can that really happen?"

__

"Yes, it can. I looked it up. You can think yourself into all sorts of stuff."

__

"But... your family in the dream is filthy rich, right? Can't they do something?"

__

I shook my head. "There's nothing available. Surgery would only be a temporary solution, if dream me was even able to survive it. The company's working on a drug with an off-label side effect that could help, but you can't just throw money at research to make it go faster."

__

"Shit. What are we gonna do, then?"

__

The note of despair in his voice threatened to make me tear up again, not because I was happy for his sympathy, but because he'd said _we._ I didn't have to keep carrying this alone. I swallowed back the knot in my throat, and a faint smile came to my lips. "Nothing, I guess. Just keep talking about it. And for now, I guess we should do our homework and pretend everything is normal, otherwise I'm going to completely self-destruct."

__

"Okay, I can do that. Yeah." Shimon's voice was low at first, like he was trying to convince himself. Then he looked straight at me. "Then spend less time on student council crap and come over here more often."

__

"Part of acting normal is doing my job, though," I pointed out. "Anyway, let's hurry and write that dumb English story. Do you want to go with the romance idea or the business deal?"

__

"Fuck it, let's do the romance, it'll be a lot easier. But..."

__

"But?"

__

"Go wash up, you look like hell. And," he pointed to his dresser, "change into one of my t-shirts, you're all gross and stinky and I don't wanna deal with that."

__

He was right. My face felt all crusty and my poor uniform shirt had epic pit stains. Washing them out was going to be a pain in the ass. "Yeah. Thanks, Shimon."

__


	19. [reality 15]

That evening, as soon as I was free from chores and the last of my homework, I settled down to write out my message to Sojiro-san. Random texts revealing my raw feelings hadn't gotten me anywhere, so I needed to chill out and write something coherent. It was like writing a persuasive essay for school, only with much higher stakes.

"No pressure, right?" I muttered.

About an hour later, I had something that I felt was direct, polite, and mature enough to get Sojiro-san's attention without pissing him off. I sat back to read it over again, trying to imagine his reaction to my words.

_Dear Sojiro-san,_

_This will be my last message to you until after graduation unless you decide to initiate contact. I hope you will read this and feel the sincerity of my words._

_I want to talk to you more. I know that I've acted impulsively since we met and I apologize for letting my emotions get the best of me. I also know that now isn't the right time for us to talk about the dreams and what they mean in reality. Can we have a serious discussion about everything after graduation? That will give us both time to think things over, and to focus on school for now._

_Please consider it. I'm serious about wanting to get to know you._

It seemed pretty good. Maybe a little too stiff and formal, but he'd probably like that. The part he probably wouldn't like came after that.

_I wasn't sure if I should mention this, but I don't want you to be surprised when you find out later._

_My dream self is worried about his illness getting worse and he's purposely hiding it so dream you won't worry. He was trying a new combination of drugs for a while, but it didn't make any difference. The doctors warned him that it was an experimental treatment and probably wouldn't work, but for some reason dream me is taking it really hard. I think the lack of progress recently is making him think a lot about his mortality. He's never had to worry about how his disease affects the emotions of anyone outside of his immediate family, so he's in a panic._

_I don't think there's any way for you to let your dream self know, but at least the real you won't be blindsided by the reveal when it happens._

My heart pounded as I read over the second half again and again, wondering if I should risk angering him more by mentioning the dreams. Or would he appreciate the heads up? It was impossible to guess with him avoiding me so much. I knew I'd be happy to have the chance to mentally prepare myself for what would normally be a sudden nasty surprise. All I could do was hope that Sojiro-san would realize that knowing was better than not knowing. He was a logical, reasonable person, after all.

"I'm sure it will be fine..."

I hit the send button before I could chicken out, then quickly turned my phone face down so I wouldn't be obsessed with watching the screen to see if he'd read the message. I needed a distraction, which meant it was the perfect time to hang out and game with Tomo.

It was after ten by the time I got back to my own room, still a little salty about being crushed by my little brother in almost every game we'd played. Damn kid had too much free time to practice. That, and he was probably used to struggling against his best friend's insanely good luck, so going up against me was a cakewalk. I sighed and started changing into my pajamas, wondering what I would do until bedtime. Maybe read ahead on that boring literature assignment?

My phone buzzed just as I finished tugging my t-shirt into place, and my pulse quickened. It was probably just Shimon, I told myself, hands a little shaky as I checked the notifications.

_Nao, are you there? I'm a little worried that you disappeared after sending that message._

It was Sojiro-san! My heart pounded as I scrolled back through the conversation. He'd sent a response almost immediately after I'd sent my carefully written letter, and several more messages throughout the evening.

_Thank you for the warning. I can't warn the other me, but you're right that at least I won't be hit with the full force of a nasty surprise._

I couldn't help grinning with relief. So it _had_ been a good idea! The message after that had come in a few minutes later, as if Sojiro-san had taken care in composing it, same as I had.

_I realize that I've also let my emotions, and the emotions of my dream counterpart, unfairly influence my interactions with you. I apologize for that. I agree that now is not the right time for us to be spending time together._

_I chose your school for my student teaching because my apartment is in the area, so I won't be disappearing after graduation. Let's focus on the work that needs to be done before the end of the school year. We can talk later. Please try to separate your thoughts and feelings from those of your dream self before then. I'm not willing to go in circles like we have been._

Wow, a much better response than I'd been expecting. For some reason, I felt light and jittery at the same time, fingers unsteady as I typed out a reply.

_I'm here. I had some family stuff to do after I sent the message. Sorry to worry you. You're right, I need to sort out my own feelings before we can have a serious talk. I look forward to it after graduation._

That seemed like enough, without being clingy. After a moment, I added:

_Do you want me to warn you whenever I notice something in the dreams that might be trouble?_

He responded right away.

_Yes. And I'll do the same for you. It seems that we have no choice about experiencing these dreams, but at least we can have some small advantage over them. Good night, Nao. I wish you no dreams._

"Yeah, same here." But I didn't send a reply because I didn't want to be the annoying person who always had to have the last word or refused to hang up first. Lucky for me, Sojiro-san's wish came true, and I had a peaceful, normal sleep.


	20. [dream 05]

Sojiro-san hardly ever came to my office in the server building, annoyed by the strict security measures, but I'd insisted on making him come to me for once. The winter air was frigid, the sting of it at the back of my throat more than enough to set off a coughing fit. That, and the short walk to the school building was steadily getting more difficult for me to make, the lightest of exercise enough to leave me winded for half an hour. No, I couldn't risk stirring up Sojiro-san's worry, even if he also found my sudden refusal to make the trip was somewhat suspicious.

We sat side by side at the small worktable in the study that was attached to my office, taking a final look at the plans for the upcoming graduation ceremony. My heart fluttered every time I glanced at the date, less than a month away now. After graduation was spring break, and then the entrance ceremony for new students.

Tomo was coming to the school. He'd be there as soon as possible after his own middle school graduation. At first I'd dreaded the reunion in a way, unsure if he resented me for urging him to accept a new family. I was technically his guardian already, but his involvement in the couple's data theft had muddied the legal waters, and our contact was limited while the investigation was ongoing. The brief conversations we'd been allowed had been positive but a little awkward, both of us overly aware of the gap in our knowledge of each other.

As the date of our reunion crept closer, I could barely contain my excitement. Tomo had grown into a strikingly handsome young man, slim but strong, the very ideal of a teen athlete. Unfortunately, he'd seemed more withdrawn than ever, no doubt thanks to the ordeal of living with a unkind and immoral couple. It would take time and patience - and likely the skill of a good therapist - to repair the damage they'd done to my empathetic little brother.

Time, of course, being the one thing that I lacked.

"Hey, Nao," Sojiro-san nudged me with his shoulder, "did you hear anything I just said?"

"Wha?" His interruption of my daydreaming caught me so off guard that I wasn't able to suppress the urge to cough that welled up in that moment of surprise. I clapped my hands over my mouth and tried to hold back as much as I could, but there was no hiding the horrible wet cough that had been plaguing me for months.

"Nao, are you okay? Do you need some water?"

I shook my head, trying to breathe calmly, trying to ignore the heaviness in my lungs. The fit passed after a few moments of tense patience, and I straightened up again, forcing a weak smile. "I'm fine. It's just a cold, remember?" 

It definitely wasn't death itself taking up residence in my lungs.

Sojiro-san's eyes narrowed, probably with concern; every time I slipped and started coughing around him, he fussed over me, offering sympathy and encouraging me to go back to my doctor and let him know the cold treatment wasn't working. I prepared myself to wave off his worries yet again, the empty words of comfort coming to my lips as easily as my words of love for him.

I was taken completely off-guard by the steel in his voice. "I'm not falling for that bullshit anymore, Nao. I may have been naive enough to accept your lies for a while, but if you think that will work forever, then you're the naive one."

My back stiffened. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Like hell you don't. I believed you for a while. It's not unusual for a bad cold to linger, but for more than three months? And in someone who sees doctors constantly? Impossible."

I turned away, unable to stand the undisguised anger in his expression. "It _is_ possible. You know my condition is complicated-- hey!" Sojiro-san grabbed my hand, tugging it away from my chest. "Don't, my hand is gross!" I was too slow and too weak to pull it away before he saw the faint smear of palest pink against my palm.

"I knew it." His voice was dull, not satisfied, as he released my wrist. 

I clenched my fingers into a fist, instinctively hiding the evidence of my approaching doom. "I need to wash my hands," I huffed.

He sighed, reaching into his pocket and producing a travel pack of tissues. I accepted it without a word, remaining silent as I cleaned the blood-tinged mucus from my hand, staining the tissue pink. I had the feeling he wasn't about to let me get up, so I set it down on the table between our stacks of paper, an angry ghost against the dark wood. Sojiro-san stared at it for a while before turning back to me.

"It's... heart failure, isn't it?" He wasn't angry anymore. He was just... sad. Empty. When I met his eyes, they were dull and lifeless, his gaze hollow.

It made my own anger, hot and irrational, flare up in an instant. "This is _exactly_ why I didn't say anything! You're over here staring at me like you're dead inside! I don't want your sympathy, or pity, or whatever that is all over your face right now! I want you, the real you, the one who's full of fire when we argue about school policies, the one with a genuine smile when you remind me to go eat, the one who trembles with the effort of holding back his lust when we're in bed together!" His hollow expression blurred as tears gathered. "Not this! I don't..."

I was overcome by a second coughing fit, worse than the first. Strong arms embraced me, holding me steady in my chair. I buried my face in Sojiro-san's shoulder, gasping for air, and the familiarity of his scent surrounded me with a comfortable warmth. It didn't make the fit any less intense or magically make it stop, but it did help soothe the rising panic that accompanied the coughing. His gentle hand stroked my hair until I stopped coughing, then slid to my shoulder, pushing me back just enough so we could look into each other's eyes.

He was no longer empty. But what filled him was sadness and fear. His free hand touched my cheek, cupping it as I leaned into his touch. I couldn't stay mad.

"You may not want this," his voice was low and serious, "but this _is_ the real me. The me who's afraid of losing you. The me who doesn't want to let go of this relationship. And the me who wants to share everything with you, even if it's a painful truth. Do you remember when I said I wanted all of you?"

I nodded, eyes heavy with unshed tears. "I remember."

"I want the difficult things too. The ugly things, the dark and unreasonable emotions, the fear that eats you from the inside, the anger at the unfairness of the world. None of that will make me throw you away, Nao." He paused, eyes lowering for a few moments, maybe in hesitation. "It's only a guess, but... maybe you feel like you don't want to burden me with the reality of your illness, and I can understand wanting to keep a relationship untainted by that reality. But all I feel is a helplessness I can't shake. You must have worries and fears that you're keeping to yourself. Isn't that hard?"

When he looked up at me again, his eyes were bright with moisture, a pained smile on his lips. "Even if we weren't lovers, I'm still the person who's closest to you outside of family. It's hard to watch you suffer without being allowed to help. It makes me resent this school and its naive ideals. What good is individualism when it leads to watching the man I love struggle alone?"

The sudden knot in my throat made it impossible to speak, so I leaned forward and embraced him instead. How was it possible that someone I'd only known for two short years, who'd started out as a rival sent to tear me down, could know me so well? How did he always have the right words to untangle the mess in my heart?

I hid my face against the side of his neck, trembling with the effort of holding back my emotions - not because I didn't want to express them, but because I feared another coughing fit. "I don't want this. I want to get better. I want to stay here with you." My fingers dug into his back. "I've always known that I was going to die young. I was... I wouldn't say _okay_ with that, but I've had a long time to think about it. The thought of other people having to deal with it once I'm gone, though..."

Sojiro-san hugged me close. "Nao, you're too kind. You're trying to carry a burden that isn't yours. Everyone has their own complicated emotions to deal with, and it's not your job to police or assume responsibility for them."

"I know that." My voice broke. "I know that, but...!"

And though he held me and spoke quiet, gentle words while I grumbled about the unfairness of it all, I couldn't shake the feeling that it was my duty to protect him. I was the one who had allowed him to get close; how could I claim that I wasn't responsible for how my death would affect him? I'd been too weak to resist my own feelings, and now he was going to be dragged down with me.

I wanted to apologize, but I knew he'd be upset to know that I couldn't accept his words of comfort, so I bit my lip and just enjoyed the warmth of his arms around me.


	21. [dream 06]

The end of the school year was a time of frenzied activity for the third years who were about to graduate, each boy trying to squeeze as much out of his final weeks at the school as possible. Many would go on to university, of course, but there was no guarantee that they'd have free access to top-notch facilities as a new first year, or that they wouldn't be crowded out by the huge number of students at their new schools. The burst of activity was balanced only by the solemn handing over of duties from the graduating club leaders to the underclassmen who would keep the clubs alive the following year.

Despite that, the Japanese cultural club was always a quiet refuge that remained untouched by the bustle of school life. That was especially true on a Sunday afternoon, when most of the members were busy with their primary clubs. All except the club leader, Ishihara, who had been selected for the school because of his talent in traditional flower arrangement.

I watched silently from the side, kneeling on one of the large floor cushions the club used for tea ceremony practice. As a child who grew up in an orphanage, I didn't have anything more than a vague knowledge about traditional arts, but even I could tell that Ishihara was a genius. I'd seen plenty of arrangements in my adoptive parents' home, but his were more skillfully crafted, evoking emotions that ran so deep it was hard to identify them.

The current arrangement seemed delicate and fragile, as if the thin branches would topple over at any moment, scattering the flowers and greenery. As usual, I couldn't quite put my finger on how it made me feel, but if pressed I would have said warm but lonely.

"Ishihara-kun, what is the theme of this piece?"

He turned toward me, his expression calm and unreadable, the perfect picture of a cultured young man. I always felt vaguely inadequate in his presence. "Thank you for your interest as always, Director Suzubishi. The theme of this piece is the fragility of life. I felt it was an appropriate choice for late winter, when plants are just barely beginning to stir beneath the snow."

"I see," I murmured, eyes drifting to the arrangement again. How ironic. "I can feel that sense of fragility when I look at your work. There's a feeling of loneliness too, though that might just be my own interpretation."

Ishihara bowed his head. "Thank you, Director. Of course, the work should be interpreted by each observer. One could say that's the only meaning that truly matters." He turned back to his work with a soft smile, clearly pleased with my awkward, uninformed praise. Well, most people had little understanding of the intracacies of ikebana, so he was probably used to bland commentary. Despite my lack of knowledge, spending time in the club room was comfortable.

Comfortable. For some reason, I couldn't get comfortable. Maybe the heaviness in my lungs was too much to ignore now, always exerting just enough pressure to make itself known. I caught myself in the middle of moving to press one hand to the center of my chest, an unconscious gesture of worry. That pose always invited questions, and though Ishihara was focused on his work, there was still a risk that he might notice my odd pose. Instead, I shifted a little on the cushion, hoping a change in position would relieve the tension a little.

It didn't. In fact, the pressure steadily grew worse as the minutes ticked by, or were they just seconds? It was hard to tell when I was so focused on my body. A cold sweat broke out on my brow, and I closed my eyes for a moment, struggling to breathe deeply. I wasn't moving at all, and yet my body was reacting as if I'd been overexerting myself; something that happened all too often recently, as if my heart had decided that the barest amount of physical activity qualified as overdoing it. I was tired all the time, and no amount of sleep could get me back to normal.

But this was different. Something was wrong, I could feel the truth of that in the ache in my back and the pain that accompanied every heartbeat. I must have made some sort of noise as I hunched over, clutching at my chest, because Ishihara called out to me. 

"Director? What's wrong?" I didn't see him move, but I heard the clatter of the vase against the table as he scrambled to his feet. "Hang on!"

Somehow I had enough presence of mind to brace myself with one arm as I slumped forward, stopping my face from hitting the floor. Ishihara grasped my shoulder, gently lowering me to the mat while taking care not to move me too much. "Director, your chest... is there a lot of pressure?" I'd never heard his voice so filled with emotion, almost vibrating with panic. "A heart attack? What should I... hold on, I'm calling Dr. Matsuoka! Try to stay awake, okay?!"

Impossible. It was impossible, with every heartbeat knifing through me like lightning. The darkness ringing my field of view expanded with each heavy throb, slowly gobbling up my vision. I wanted to scream, but all I could manage was a gasp that sounded like it was far away. Or was that Ishihara's voice, tight with panic as he yelled into the phone? I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. All I could do was feel the crushing pain as my heart screamed in my chest, begging for mercy.

So this was what dying felt like, with everything faded out except for the pain and the pressure. I was aware of nothing but heat and darkness as I fought to stay awake. Where was Sojiro-san? Couldn't he pull me out of this black hole of pain? No. I had to do it myself. No one could save me.

And still I closed my eyes, too tired to continue the struggle.


	22. [reality 16]

"Come on, Kasahara, get up! No one's going to buy that act anymore!"

It wasn't unusual for my classmates to yell at me for trying to get out of participating in whatever the stupid sport of the day was. What _was_ unusual was that I wasn't faking it for once. I was facedown on the scuffed wooden floor, clutching at my head. My glasses had skittered off somewhere across the varnished surface, so the entire world was a noisy blur. I should have been able to get up right away; Shimon wasn't much stronger than me, so even though he'd spiked the volleyball directly into my face, it hadn't hurt _that_ much.

Every time I tried to move my arms and lift myself up, the world swam, and I crashed back onto the hard floor. I tried to say something, but all I could manage was a groan.

"Um, Professor Fujita, I think he might be for real this time," a worried voice pointed out.

"Hey, Nao!" Shimon's sneakers squeaked as he skidded to a stop, his shadow falling across my face as he knelt beside me. "Dude, are you okay? I wasn't aiming for your face, I swear! Ah, shit, your nose...!"

My nose? Now that he mentioned it, it did kind of hurt. Was that why my lip felt wet? I wanted to tell him that a nosebleed was no big deal, but I couldn't find the words. What was going on?

"Don't shake him, Yagami!" Professor Fujita's voice was stern, and I saw the blur of his arm darting out to catch Shimon's hand. "It was a direct hit, so he might have a concussion. Go get Dr. Nishimura. And ask her to bring a wheelchair, I don't think Kasahara's doing any walking right now."

"Yeah, you got it!" I knew Shimon well enough to recognize the note of panic in his voice.

"It's not a concussion, I'm just tired," I mumbled. Sleep would be nice. It would be very nice...

No! I forced my eyes open, blinking rapidly to clear away the fog. There was no way in hell I was letting myself fall asleep after last night's dream. Never again.

"Good. That's it, stay awake," Fujita commanded. "You got hit in the head, Kasahara. You need to stay alert until Dr. Nishimura checks you over." He patted my shoulder.

The next few minutes were a strange, indistinct haze. I was sure the rest of the class was gathered in a ring around me, murmuring among themselves, developing the rumors that would surely be circulating around the entire school before lunchtime. Dr. Nishimura arrived and did a quick examination before ordering two of the class jocks to pick me up and settle me in a wheelchair. By the time we reached the nurse's office, the ache from my nose had managed to dispel some of the mind fog, and I was able to answer her questions.

"So you haven't been sleeping much recently? And last night you woke up around midnight and didn't go back to sleep?" She raised one eyebrow.

"Right," I confirmed. Before she could ask why - before I had to think about why - I added, "Because I've been falling behind in class and in student council work. I'm trying really hard to catch up - ow!"

"Hmm, it doesn't seem to be broken," she murmured, poking at my nose again. I swear I saw stars. "It'll hurt for a few days, and you might end up with a nasty bruise, but you're okay. Normally I'd suspect a concussion, but lack of sleep shares a lot of the same symptoms and it sounds like you've been overdoing it for a while. You absolutely have to rest for today. I'm calling your mother to come pick you up. And," she grabbed a folder from her desk, "I'm filling out this observation worksheet so she can also watch for signs of a concussion, just in case. Now, lie down."

Icy fear stabbed through me as I stared at the narrow bed. "I'm fine, really."

"Kasahara, you are _not_ fine. Your body is in desperate need of rest. So lie down." She swatted the pillow with an open hand. "That's _not_ a request."

I sighed, knowing that arguing with her was useless, and made my way over to the bed. Sure, she could make me get into the bed, but she couldn't make me sleep. The mattress was cheap and thin and smelled like antiseptic, but it felt like the softest cloud in heaven as my aching body sank into it. I frowned even as I obediently pulled the blanket up to my chin. Resisting sleep was going to be damn near impossible. "Um, doctor? What happened to my glasses?"

"Hm?" She looked up from her worksheet. "Oh, they're right here in my pocket. I'll put them on the corner of my desk, you can pick them up when you go home."

I muttered my thanks and turned my full attention to keeping my eyes open. Fortunately, I didn't have to struggle for long. The door burst open, and a familiar voice shocked me out of the lulling warmth that threatened to draw me in. "Dr. Nishimura, are you here? There's been another injury in PE class, it looks rather serious."

It was Sojiro-san! Why was he relaying a message to the nurse?

Dr. Nishimura jumped up right away. "Understood. In that case, could you stay with Kasahara? I've already left a message with his mother, but I don't know when she'll hear it."

"Yes, of course I'll stay here. Please hurry, doctor."

Sojiro-san was at my side the moment Dr. Nishimura disappeared. "Nao, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I sighed, squinting up at his blurry face. "After what happened last night, I couldn't let myself go back to sleep. I wasn't paying attention and took a volleyball to the face." I unearthed one arm from under the blanket and touched my nose gingerly, wincing at the jolt of pain. "It looks worse than it is, I think. Did someone else really get hurt?"

"Yes." He rolled the office chair over to my bedside and sat down. "Probably a sprained ankle. Nothing dangerous, but I think someone already called an ambulance just in case it's actually broken. We should have time to talk here without interruption."

I shivered despite being covered by the heavy blanket, and I turned my face away. "I..."

I didn't want to talk about it. Hell, I didn't want to _think_ about it, the sudden crushing pain in my chest, the strangled scream that came from my own throat as the other me collapsed in agony, the primal fear that had forced me awake just past midnight. Those vague impressions were enough to send a fresh jolt of adrenaline through my veins, shocking me awake as surely as a bucket of ice water. A heart attack, just like the student had guessed. That had been crystal clear to me even without spending an hour reading about it online, my real heart racing as I took in the information.

I don't know what stupid impulse compelled me to ask, but the words were slipping past my lips before I could stop myself. "I... the other me... is he okay? Or is he...?"

I couldn't say it.

"Wait, you don't know?" Sojiro-san sounded like he didn't believe me.

"Of course not!" I snapped. "I woke up! It fucking _hurt_ , and I woke up. Did you think I was gonna go back to sleep after that? Hell no."

"Nao..." His hand brushed my shoulder, his touch tentative. I didn't have the energy or really the will to push him away, and he gently gripped my upper arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't consider that you might have woken up when it happened." After a short pause, he continued. "The other you is okay for now. He was taken to the hospital immediately and stabilized. I don't know the details because only family has been allowed to visit so far, but you're not alone there. Your parents and brother went to stay with you. I mean, him."

That was probably why the real me was still alive. The dream one wasn't dead - yet. I shivered despite the warmth of the scratchy blanket. Sojiro-san's hand abandoned my arm and moved to my hand, fingers curling around mine in a tentative grip. I felt the momentary urge to jerk my hand away, to reject him just like he'd rejected me recently, but I didn't have the mental strength to summon up any anger. He was the only one who could understand what I was dealing with right now, so I turned my hand toward his and gave it a light squeeze.

He moved a little closer, encouraged by my response, face coming into focus as he leaned over to look me in the eye. Honestly, he looked like hell, the dark circles under his eyes and the dullness of his expression making it clear that he'd also spent a sleepless night. I looked away. He knew more than me, which meant he'd been asleep longer. He'd witnessed the aftermath of my collapse, while I'd been lucky enough to escape it. And the dream Sojiro-san had probably been caught in a limbo of agonized worry. He'd waited for a call, anticipating the worst but hoping for good news. Maybe that was worse than being the one who was the cause of all that worry.

The words came out before I realized I was asking, "Are you okay?"

He was surprised by my question, eyes widening. "Nao, why are you worrying about me at a time like this? I'm fine."

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his pasted-on smile. "Liar. Don't pretend to be some tough guy. Anyone could tell you didn't get any sleep just by looking at your face. What are you going to do tonight? If you sleep, you'll dream, and..."

I started a little at the light touch of his hand on my hair, blood rushing to my cheeks as his fingers tickled lightly through it and brushed my scalp. "Shh. Don't worry about me, Nao. For me, it's just a vivid nightmare. It's not pleasant and this is the worst it's ever been, but I'm used to dealing with the aftermath of awful dreams."

"So am I," I protested, cursing the wobble in my voice. Why was he being so nice to me all of a sudden? I guess he didn't have any choice but to be indulgent with someone who just dreamed of his own death. Almost. The saddest part was that I was so desperate to be comforted that I couldn't be mad at him.

"I know. But yours have a physical component too. There's an extra layer of tension because you can't predict what's going to happen to your body each time." He paused. "It's like... your mind can't tell the difference between the two of you because those dreams affect you on a physical level that's indistinguishable from reality."

"I know, and that's the problem!" I struggled to sit up, barely able to push myself up on one elbow. "Everyone thinks it's no big deal, that it's just dreams and the real me won't be affected - I'm not sick in real life and all that - but I still _feel_ it in those moments when I'm waking up. I remember all of it like it actually happened to _this_ body." I poked at my chest. "If my mind can't tell the difference, how is it supposed to know that I'm not actually having a heart attack? How does my body know it's not supposed to just die?!"

Whatever his reaction was beyond the initial look of shock, I didn't get to see it. I fell back onto the bed, too exhausted to hold myself up any longer. My arm felt like jelly and the inside of my head was filled with fluff. Still, I forced my eyes open, refusing to give in.

"Nao..." Gentle fingers stroked my temple, one fingertip pausing at the corner of my eye to sweep away a tear. "I won't lie and say I have the answers. I don't know what will happen. But you, the real you, needs some rest now."

"I'm not sleeping," I grumbled, even as my eyelids threatened to close without my permission.

"I'm here." His other hand clasped mine. "You're tired, aren't you? I'll watch you carefully. If there's any signs that you're dreaming, I'll wake you up right away."

I wanted to lash out, to tell him to stop pretending to be nice. A small part of my mind wondered if maybe he wasn't pretending. Maybe he actually did care on some level, not just because of the dreams, but because of something about the real me. I hadn't been especially nice to him, or understanding, and every time we talked I ended up saying something stupid.

So why was I still so interested in what he thought of me?

I turned my face away. "What if you can't tell?"

"I'll be able to tell. I promise." The confidence in his tone seemed genuine.

"Well..." The allure of sleep was becoming too difficult to resist. "If you're not sure, wake me up anyway. I can't... take any chances..."

I was probably asleep before I finished talking.


	23. [dream 07]

"Suzubishi-san, you should be resting now," the nurse scolded.

It was the evening of my second day in the hospital, just after visiting hours for ICU patients had ended. My parents had left only minutes before, taking Tomo with them back to their home. He didn't really have anywhere else to go since I wasn't at the school to watch over him. He may have preferred the familiarity of the orphanage over spending time with people he'd never met, but I didn't want him to deal with well-meaning kids innocently asking why he was back yet again.

It hurt that I'd had to reassure him that my parents were good people, knowing his distrust of adults was my fault. Or maybe what hurt most of all was that he still trusted me so easily, his wary resistance crumbling after only a few minutes of conversation. I'd sent him to his doom once before, and he still trusted my judgment.

My little brother really was too good for me.

I shook off my feelings of guilt and aimed a weary smile at the nurse. "I'm fine. I want to write a little more before going to sleep." I reached out to pull the bedside table closer, ignoring the creak and rattle of the wires and tubes of the machines surrounding me.

The nurse's frown made it clear that she didn't agree with my decision. "Alright. Make sure you don't push yourself, though. Nothing is more important than rest right now."

No, I silently disagreed, the most important thing was finishing my final messages to everyone. All the doctors and nurses around me smiled as they spoke encouragingly about how well I was recovering, of how I'd probably be able to move to a normal room soon, and outlining rehab plans for the future. They were sincere, truly believing in their words, their smiles warm with hope as they looked over my lab results and checked my vital signs.

But I knew better. I could feel it inside me, a heaviness in the center of my chest that wouldn't go away. When I'd complained about it, the doctors had taken it seriously, ordering a laundry list of tests and scheduling extra checks throughout the day. There was nothing, they said, and maybe they were right. Nothing physical that could be detected by an MRI or a blood test.

Death had awakened inside me, and it wasn't about to rest without claiming its prize.

I shook that off too and pulled my notepad close. I should have been a decent brother, working on a letter to my last living blood relative, but all I could think about was my lover. Sojiro-san hadn't been able to visit - ICU patient visits were limited to family only - and though I'd spoken to him on the phone earlier, it had been a brief and awkward conversation with my family and Tomo in the room. So many things had gone unsaid, so many emotions stifled for the sake of propriety. I had to make sure I told him everything before time was up.

I picked up the pen and silently gave myself permission to be completely honest for once.

_My beloved Sojiro-san,_

_By the time you read this letter, I'll already be gone. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. I wanted to protect you from that, but I couldn't stop myself from loving you. Please forgive me._

_I haven't been completely honest with you. I smiled when I wanted to scream. I told you I was okay when everything hurt. I hid the severity of my condition from you, thinking I was protecting you from reality. In some corner of my mind, I think I always knew that it was selfish and wrong, but I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing. I thought that if you saw the darkness inside of me, the despair of living my whole life knowing I would die young, you'd push me away to avoid being sucked in. I tried to show you the best of myself and hid the rest, even after you said you wanted all of me._

_I couldn't give you all of myself. I hope you can forgive that too someday._

_I'm scared. I'm lonely, and I'm filled with regrets. I destroyed my brother's life. I'm leaving you behind. I'll never see the results of the plans we made for the school._

_I'm angry. Why was I born like this? Why is Tomo fine, an athlete even, while I'm trapped inside a body that gets exhausted by simple daily tasks? Why am I so weak that it's physically impossible for me to pursue more education, despite having a sharp mind? Why can't I enjoy even the most basic and intimate of human connections?_

_All I ever wished for was a normal life. Thank you for giving me a taste of that. I couldn't have everything I wanted, but it was still more than I'd hoped for. And still, I want more. You said you wanted all of me, but you must have realized that I also want all of you. Everything. Every last drop of your passion, all of your attention, all your thoughts. I wanted to become your everything, while also wishing I was nothing._

_You'll be hurt. Maybe you'll curse me in your grief, saying you hate me. Maybe you'll wish we'd never met. Don't feel guilty. I understand those feelings more than I can say. If I could turn back time and erase myself from your life, sparing you the pain of my loss, I would do it._

_Maybe this is all self-important arrogance, assuming that you'll be devastated when I'm gone. Still, let me make one more selfish request. Mourn me, curse me, hate me; I don't mind. But please don't forget me._

_I love you. Nao_

I set my pen down with a deep sigh and reached for a nearby envelope. I quickly folded the letter and sealed it up inside before my cowardice got the best of me. Sojiro-san deserved the truth, even if the truth was ugly and selfish. The only saving grace was that I wouldn't have to see his face when he read the letter.

I'd probably never see him again. His beautiful smile, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes the gentlest and most sincere smile in the world, was only a memory in a dying man's mind.

I sank back into the bed, more exhausted than ever before.


	24. [reality 17]

Knifelike heat seared through the center of my chest, like I'd swallowed a glowing piece of steel. I squirmed to escape the pain, but my body was pinned down by the weight of agony. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even open my eyes. The world was black rimmed with red, and the only sound I could make was a faint gasp that caught in my throat.

"Brother!" Something gripped my shoulder, shaking it hard. "Brother, wake up!" 

Tomo. It was Tomo's voice, filled with panic and urgency. My eyes snapped open, and though the room was dark, I could still see his face hovering over mine, brow creased with worry. I tried to say his name, to reassure him, but I couldn't speak. All I could manage was a shallow rasping breath that barely drew any air into my lungs.

"Breathe, damnit!" Tomo's raised a fist, and I instinctively cringed away just before he thumped the center of my chest. There was no pain - aside from the dull ache of being punched, of course. That realization snapped me out of it. I was awake. I was me, the _real_ me. Not the other me.

The one who had just died of a second heart attack.

"Oh my god," I groaned, suddenly sick. I threw back the blanket and scrambled out of bed, ignoring Tomo begging to know what was wrong, and hurried to the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before throwing up everything I'd eaten that day. My whole body shook with the violence of it, sweat soaking my pajamas and tears streaming down my face. All I could do was cling to the bowl, trembling and gasping for air, praying that it was over with.

"Brother?" Great, Tomo had followed me into the bathroom. He'd probably watched me puke my guts out. So much for dignity. 

"How," I gasped, the words taking more effort than I'd expected, "how did you know... I needed help waking up?"

He knelt beside me on the floor, offering a glass of water. "You were making a weird noise in your sleep, like you couldn't breathe or something. So I woke you up. And before you ask, I heard because I was in your room. You've been really out of it recently, like you've been worried about something, so I've been sneaking into your room at night and sleeping on the floor."

I chugged the water, trying to ignore the gross taste of the residue in my mouth. "Geez, Tomo, you didn't have to do that." Somehow my little brother's overly clingy concern was a comfort rather than an annoyance. Out of everyone, Tomo was most firmly on my side.

"Yes I did! Something bad's going on in the dream world, I can tell!" He held up my phone, which buzzed as if on cue. "Your phone's been blowing up the whole time since you ran off to the bathroom, it's gotta be that Sakaki guy from the park. If he's freaking out too, it must be bad."

I snatched the phone from Tomo's hand, fingers so shaky I could barely input my unlock code. "Yeah, it's bad... real bad. The dream me just died."

"Holy shit. Are you gonna be okay?"

"How would I know that?" I hissed, gritting my teeth. "I'm not dead _yet_ so I guess I'm fine for now." I glanced down at my phone. As expected, the screen was filled with messages from Sojiro-san.

_Nao, are you awake? Are you okay?_  
_Please answer me. I need to know that you're okay._  
_If you're still sleeping, you need to wake up._  
_I'll send as many messages as it takes. Or do I need to call you?_  
_Nao, if you don't answer me right now, I'm going to your house._

Shit, that would be even more of a disaster.

_I'm awake._  
_I'm okay. For now, anyway._

"What are you gonna do?" Tomo's voice was small and hesitant. 

"Tomo..." I just stared at him, mind blank. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't think, hell, I could barely breathe with the echo of pain still heavy in my chest and my brain turned to mush by the shock of witnessing my own death. My guts ached and my vision swam. What if I really did die because I'd seen it in the dream? We were linked, weren't we? Linked since birth, maybe; I couldn't remember a time when I hadn't dreamed of another life. But he'd existed before me, so did that mean if he died, I was doomed too? Would I live to be the same age and _then_ die? I'd pondered it a thousand times before, never able to decide which assumption was correct.

I was rescued from my aimless thoughts by Sojiro-san's reply.

_Nao, I need to see you._  
_Here's my address. It's close to the school. How fast can you get here?_

I recognized the name of a nearby apartment complex. I knew exactly where it was.

_Less than ten minutes by bike._  
_Give me fifteen, I need to sneak out._

"You're gonna go meet him?" Tomo was peeking at the screen. I didn't bother trying to cover it up; I didn't care anymore.

"Yeah, I'm going." I forced myself to get up, still unsteady on my feet. "I'm pretty sure I won't be back before Mom and Dad get up. So I need you to cover for me, Tomo. Please. Tell them I went to Shimon's house because... he freaked out about a final project, and I had to help him. I'll call Shimon on my way so he'll be in on it too. If Mom and Dad give you hell about it, just tell them to call him."

"I'll do it," Tomo declared, his expression fierce. "You don't have to worry, Brother, you know I've got Mom and Dad wrapped around my little finger."

The flood of relief almost extinguished the ache in my chest. Almost. "Thanks, Tomo. You're always on my side and I don't say it enough, but I really appreciate it."

"Well, you know..." Was Tomo blushing? "It's because you're the best brother," he mumbled, "and everyone else is really hard on you for some reason. You need someone on your side. I guess that Sakaki guy is gonna be the one now, huh?"

It was my turn to blush. "Tomo..."

"Well, if that's how it's gonna be, I have some advice. You should probably brush your teeth before you leave, cuz I'm pretty sure you have barf breath."

"Geez, you..." I hugged Tomo to me, ignoring his protests. "Thanks, Tomo."


	25. [reality 18]

I sped down the sidewalk at record speed, ignoring the ache of protest from my calves. That was easy enough, but I couldn't help mistaking the sickening burn in my lungs for the searing chest pain that had jolted me out of the nightmare.

"Just keep it together," I panted. I wasn't so weak that a single hard bike ride would kill me. The route to Sojiro-san's place was straightforward and mostly flat, so I was the only limiting factor. For once, I wasn't going to let my paranoia dictate what my limits were.

Just as I thought my chest was about to explode, I caught sight of my destination, a tall and modern apartment building in a reasonably nice part of town. I zoomed toward it, discomfort replaced by anticipation as I realized someone was standing in the entryway.

"Sojiro-san!" I couldn't help calling out as I got closer. He turned toward me, back stiffening a little, probably because he realized he'd been watching the wrong direction. Or maybe because I was hurtling toward him at a terrifying speed. I squeezed the brakes hard, heart skipping a beat as the tires skidded over the concrete sidewalk. My balance was all wrong as I jumped off the bike and let it tumble to the ground behind me. I stumbled forward with my arms out, bracing for a fall.

My face crashed into something much more forgiving than the pavement. Warm arms wrapped around me in an instant, first to steady me and then to pull me close. Sojiro-san's embrace was almost painfully tight, my chest heaving against his as I struggled to catch my breath. The reality of his presence, of his body, overwhelmed my senses: the dry scratch of his wool coat against my cheek, the softness of his hair as he nuzzled my brow, the quickness of his breath. 

I closed my eyes and let the sensations wash over me. Sojiro-san was in my arms, real and solid, so close that I could feel his breath in my ear as he pressed me closer to his body. The anxiety and fear that had driven me to him drained away, replaced by a rush of relief and a hum of excitement. We were safe. We'd both escaped the horrible fate of the dreams and been granted a second chance to be together. In that moment, surrounded by the proof of his existence, I knew for sure that I wanted to be with him. Not just because of a dream, but influenced by it. The warm, light feeling in my chest was real even if the source was an unconscious part of my mind. It was still _my_ mind, a real part of myself.

The other me was still me, a real part of myself. How had I missed understanding that before?

Suddenly all the agonizing of the past few months felt stupid and trivial, a complete waste of life. So what if I'd never been into guys before? So what if we'd been pushed together by the events of crazy dreams? So what if my parents had a fit when they found out I was still dreaming, or that I'd sneaked out to spend the night with an older guy?

None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was that we were alive and together right now.

"We were so fucking stupid," I sniffled into his shoulder, squeezing him ever tighter, "but that's over. I'm not letting you go again. I'm not losing this chance to do it over." He had to feel the same way. There was no way he didn't, not after everything we'd been through together in our dual lives. Not after the desperate messages he'd just sent to me, convinced that I'd died in reality.

He hugged me to him, so tight I could barely breathe. "You're not going anywhere, Nao."

I don't know how long we stood there under the streetlight, not caring who might see us. For the first time in months, I felt perfectly content, finally at peace with myself. But the world outside our circle of light was dark and cold, the air damp with a half-frozen drizzle. Slowly, that cold invaded our bubble of excitement, starting with my sweaty back and eventually working its way between us. I shivered in Sojiro-san's arms, breaking the spell. 

He released me and took a half-step back, eyebrows rising as he looked me up and down. "Where's your coat? You're going to freeze out here, come inside!" He grabbed my hand and tugged me into the apartment building.

"I didn't have time to find my coat," I protested, following him into the elevator.

"You need to take care of yourself." He punched the elevator button, then pulled me closer to rub his hands up and down my arms. "You're shivering. I'd never forgive myself if you got sick."

His concern almost made me blush. "I'm fine, really."

"Don't start with that 'I'm fine' nonsense. I've had enough of that from the other you." His hands tightened around my arms. "I'm done with all those mistakes, Nao. No more hesitation, no more lying by omission, no more running away."

All I could do was nod, unable to deny his words.

"Good." He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine as if he was afraid I'd evaporate if he let me out of his sight. "Let's go."

He led me down the hall and into his apartment. I barely had a chance to kick off my shoes before he dragged me through the living room and into his bedroom. My heart pounded as I imagined the implications, but the knot that formed in my gut was one of excitement rather than anxiety. I shivered, the tip of my tongue darting out to moisten my dry lips. Was it really going to happen so fast? Or was it even fair to consider it fast, since we'd already known each other for so long?

Sojiro-san must have mistaken my anticipation for a chill. He tugged a blanket off the bed and wrapped it around my body, then gently pressed down on my shoulders, indicating that I should sit. He sat beside me at the edge of the bed, the contours of his handsome face thrown into shadow by the soft lamplight. 

"Nao," he began hesitantly, then cleared his throat and started over. "Nao, I've been a fool. I can't apologize enough for how stupid I've been and how I've treated you, especially recently. Of course I was excited to learn that you were real, but my fears got in the way."

"Fears?" From what I could tell, Sojiro-san always seemed pretty fearless.

"The fear of being manipulated by my own mind. The fear of growing attached to someone based on false information instead of reality." A faint, humorless smile came to his lips. "Dreams and reality are two different things. I was sure I was right. I thought the emotions of my other self were playing me like a puppet, forcing me to be interested in you. And I told you that you were wrong. I said the real you wouldn't be affected by anything that happened in the dreams."

"But I wasn't, not really. I'm fine."

"You're _not_ fine. You just witnessed your own death, didn't you?" He shook his head. "I thought you were a fool for allowing those dreams to control your reality and letting those emotions bleed over into real life. I ignored the seed of reality embedded in those dreams: those emotions _are_ real. They're part of our memories, just like our waking emotions. What are we, other than a collection of memories that shape our present lives? And still, I insisted that your fears were nonsense. I treated you like an idiot for having a reasonable reaction."

I reached out and tentatively grasped his arm. He didn't resist. "Hey, don't worry about that now. It did help, in a way. It calmed me down to have you be so cool and logical about it--"

"Stop." He pressed his fingers to my lips, silencing me. I shivered. "Don't make excuses for my behavior. I knew I was sending mixed signals and hurting you, and I didn't stop myself. You kept trying to initiate conversation and I ignored you. None of that was your fault. I was wrong, and I'm sorry for pushing you away until it was almost too late."

A tightness in my chest that I hadn't realized was there unwound at his words, leaving me light. And maybe a little bold. I kissed his fingertips, barely suppressing a grin as he pulled them away from my mouth with a hissed breath. Sojiro-san may have had the advantage when it came to eloquence, but I always had the element of surprise on my side. "Your turn to stop. You don't have to apologize like that. I'm guilty too, you know. I kept poking at you when you needed space and I blamed you for things that had nothing to do with you, like missing sleep and being late to school. And..."

My voice faded, confidence faltering. What if reminding him of my dismissive attitude ruined the mood? The tightness returned in an instant.

Sojiro-san waited for a few moments before prompting: "And?"

I forced myself to meet his eyes, praying that he would feel my sincerity. "If anyone was sending mixed signals, it was me. I kissed you and then said I wasn't into guys. Even worse, I tried to make myself sound like I was some sort of hero for not minding that you are." Heat rose in my cheeks at the shameful memory. "I'm really sorry."

"Are you?" Sojiro-san was watching me, his expression serious.

"I am! I've never been more serious in my life." I clasped his hand. "Please believe me."

"I do believe you," he breathed, leaning closer. "I meant, into guys."

"Huh?" It took a moment for his words to sink in. I felt my lips curving into a mischevious smile despite myself, and I knew that the other me was bubbling to the surface. I didn't fight it. My dream self never had a chance to explore our relationship fully. I wasn't going to let another opportunity slip away. "You know what, I think I am. What are you going to do about it?"

Sojiro-san's lips curled into a confident grin, and I was immediately transported to the world of the dreams, my awareness of my surroundings dulling as I focused on his face. My heart skipped a beat as he leaned in, my eyes dropping shut as anticipation rose in my chest. His lips were almost on mine as he breathed, " _This_ is what I'm going to do about it."

The kiss was hot and intense, stealing my breath away. I clung to his shoulders as he pressed me back onto the bed and climbed on top of me. My skin prickled, but not with the cold; that was already forgotten, the kiss sparking a heat in my body that drove away the chill. Instead, it was the flush of anticipation and a sense of relief at finally getting what I'd wanted for so long.

Was that it? Was this what I'd been wanting? We'd shared a couple of intense kisses before, but those were fueled solely by the emotions of our dream counterparts. For once, I felt like I was my true self as well as the other me, two people who added up to just one whole person. What I wanted, even if the desire had been sparked by a dream, was Sojiro-san. The rising heat in my real, living body was undeniable proof of that. I squirmed lightly, unable to hold still with my mind racing from one thought to another, and Sojiro-san broke the kiss.

I stared up at his face as it hovered just centimeters above mine, eyes drawn to his half-parted, damp lips as he struggled to catch his breath. I wanted to kiss him again. Before I could draw him back down to me, his hand touched my cheek, cupping it lightly, and I met his eyes. The shock of eye contact made me shiver, an unconscious sigh slipping from my lips. His fingertips brushed my neck, rubbing my hairline, and my entire body trembled.

Maybe he mistook my reaction for something else, brow creasing. "Are you okay?" His voice was a low, husky whisper that made all my blood rush to my scalp, hair standing on end.

"I'm fine." I reached up to touch his face, fingers brushing over the roughness of stubble on his cheeks. "Don't stop. This is what I want. All of me."

"Me too," was probably what he said, but it was hard to tell because his lips were on mine again before he'd finished speaking. Everything in my body was on fire, and I couldn't keep myself from sucking in a gasp as he slipped one hand up under my shirt. The reality of his touch was so much better than what I'd imagined as I'd run my hands over my own chest, chasing the impressions of a dream. I squirmed around, but I couldn't escape his relentless touch, tension rising steadily.

The part of my brain that could still think raced around in circles. We were definitely going to have sex. And from how things were going in the dream, that meant Sojiro-san expected to be top, and I was going to be bottom. It didn't really bother me; I mean, I'd been jerking off to vague thoughts of it for weeks now, and Sojiro-san was on top of me and grinding his crotch against mine _right now_ , so it was a little late to be embarrassed. Anyway, Mika liked anal enough to do it even when she wasn't on her period, and it was supposed to be even better for guys. And even if it wasn't the greatest thing ever, so what? Just being close to Sojiro-san, experiencing the reality of his weight and scent and touch, was enough to push my senses into overdrive.

I was done with thinking and overthinking everything. All I needed to do was feel.

I wrapped my arms around him, sliding my hands up the back of his shirt to explore his back. There was a strange familiarity to touching someone you'd only touched in a dream. My fingers instinctively went to the line of small moles along the side of his spine, finding them exactly the same as I'd anticipated. Proof that we were the same, linked by fate. His kiss was the same too, starting out intense and then backing off as his concern for pushing my excitement too far forced him to temper his lust.

"Don't," I murmured, locking my arms around his back as he tried to pull away. I tried to tug him closer, arching up from the mattress, but I was no match for his strength.

A moment later, he broke the kiss, brow creased with worry. "Nao, I don't want to hurt you..."

"You won't," I panted, "so you don't have to hold back this time."

Was it my imagination, or did his already flushed cheeks darken a bit more? "That's... not what I'm worried about. Not you. It's me." His eyes darted away, lips pressing into a thin line, and I could almost hear the whirring of his brain as he tried to piece together what he wanted to say.

Suddenly I knew what he was reluctant to admit. "You haven't done this before. Not in real life. But that doesn't matter, does it? We've fooled around enough in the dreams. This isn't new." I punctuated my words by sliding my hand over his chest, eliciting a soft hiss of breath. Instinct kicked in, the experience and confidence of the other me rising to the surface of my consciousness. His memories were vivid in my mind's eye, so sharp that I found myself shivering. "I've seen you aroused, made you that way with my own hands, I've watched you come. I've touched you, smelled you, even tasted you. And I've watched you hold back your lust for me, but you don't have to do that anymore. You said you wanted all of me? I'm right here for the taking. So take me."

Damn. I didn't even have the decency to blush as I said it, eyes locked with his. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly, his breath growing just a bit heavier. And still I could see the internal struggle reflected in his face, lips trembling with the effort of self-control. I wanted to grab his shoulders and tell him that self-control could go to hell, that I wanted the Sojiro-san who was full of passion and confidence, but I forced myself to wait. The rush of blood was loud in my ears as I stared up at him, and I dug my fingers into the blanket to stop myself from reaching out to draw him close again.

My pulse quickened at the appearance of an intense, determined smile on his lips. He leaned close, eyes dropping shut as his cheek brushed mine, his husky whisper filling my ear. "You've given me so much pleasure, Nao, but also the pain of wanting you and never having you. That's over now. Let me teach your body what it means to be loved by me."

I couldn't hide my sharp intake of breath. "Show me."

We sat up just long enough to pull off our clothes, each fumbling a little in our excitement. I didn't have the chance to push my damp t-shirt or sweatpants off the side of the bed before Sojiro-san caught me up in his arms and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. His body was warm, almost hot, chasing away the last of the chill. I clung to his shoulders, using the extra leverage to pull myself closer while deepening the kiss. My heart skipped a beat as I felt Sojiro-san's lips smile against mine as he returned the kiss.

My mind felt blank, filled only with physical impressions and building excitement. Every movement of his hands on my back, fingers alternating between tracing lazy circles and gripping me tightly, pushed my senses closer to new heights. I took a deep breath, trying to draw on my experience to keep myself from becoming totally lost in sensation. The last thing I wanted was for the moment to end too soon. I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less than going all the way.

As if he sensed my determination, Sojiro-san broke the kiss, one hand abandoning my back to cup my cheek. His smile was infectious, his eyes narrowed slightly in happiness as his thumb brushed along my damp bottom lip. "It's funny, our roles are swapped, aren't they? You've obviously kissed before, and I only have experience in dreams."

"That doesn't matter." I slid my hand from his shoulder to his collarbone, smiling at the rise of goosebumps as my fingers brushed his skin. Our eyes locked. "I want you, experienced or inexperienced or however you see yourself. So don't doubt me, or yourself."

There was still a hint of hesitation in his nod, a small scrap of reservation that wouldn't be dispelled with words alone. It was my fault for running hot and cold over the past few months, unable to accept my other self. In that case, only unambiguous action would put Sojiro-san's mind at ease. I grasped his shoulders and leaned back, pulling him down to the mattress with me.

"Nao?!" He braced himself and ended up hovering over me. I sat up slightly, reaching up with both hands to touch his cheeks and kiss him again. Once I was sure he wasn't about to pull away, I ran my hands down his neck, along his shoulders, and across his chest, lingering over his nipples. I felt rather than heard him suck in a sharp breath, and he leaned into my touch. The soft skin quickly stiffened into taut nubs as I played with him, and his body unconsciously pressed closer to mine. After a few more moments of teasing, I slid my overheated hands down to his hips, tugging him even closer. Sojiro-san didn't resist; instead, he lowered himself down onto his elbows, freeing his hands to clutch at my shoulders as he rolled his hips against mine.

"Ah," I sighed, shivering at the intimate contact, body arching up off the bed unconsciously to search for more. Sojiro-san's lips abandoned mine and went to my cheek, then the back of my ear, the light touch of his mouth against the sensitive skin setting my body on fire. He knew exactly what to do to get a reaction out of me, and just where to touch to make me squirm. And all the while, his body was rubbing against mine, each brief jolt of contact pushing me closer to the edge. He must have been able to feel my pulse throbbing in my neck, echoing the throb of my quickly growing erection.

Damnit, I was getting too horny, too fast. Judging from Sojiro-san's movements, he wasn't doing much better with controlling himself. Somehow the fevered jumble of nonsense in my mind was able to feed me a single coherent thought: I was the one with experience, which meant I had a better chance of controlling our pace. And if I didn't, everything would be over too soon.

"Wait," I groaned, pushing on his shoulder.

He stopped moving right away, brow creased with concern when he pulled back. "Are you okay?" The question was immediate and automatic, just like in the dreams. How many times had he held himself back out of concern for me? I felt a sting of guilt for doing it to him again in reality, but at least it was for a more exciting reason.

"I'm fine," I panted, heartbeat still frantic, "but if you keep going like that, I'm not going to last." I didn't have to add that he wouldn't either. I was sure he was far more aware of his own arousal than I was - and I was _very_ aware of his heat pressed against mine.

"Sorry," he murmured, rising up on his hands again, "I kind of lost myself in it."

"Hey, don't be sorry." I touched his lips. "You're a little _too_ exciting, that's all. But I want to enjoy _all_ of you." My smile turned into a grin as I let my eyes drift down into the space between our bodies. "Every last centimeter."

His soft laugh, heavy with the strain of arousal, sent another thrill down my spine. "Geez, you really are the same, saying anything you want without holding back. I don't know why I imagined that this version of you would be less bold."

"It's the honor student persona. But trust me, honor students get horny too."

"You're forgetting that I'm still a student too in this world," Sojiro-san countered with a grin, and forced himself up and off of me. I found myself sighing with something like relief as his weight was lifted, mind clearing a little as the space between us widened. He turned away for a few moments to dig though the drawer of his nightstand, and my pulse quickened again as I watched him place a couple of familiar items on the blanket: a condom and a small bottle of lube. He grabbed one of the pillows as he turned back, tapping my hip. "Here, let's put this under you."

I complied, feeling only a little embarrassed to have my butt lifted up and slightly exposed. So it really was going to happen. "This pillow is going to get messed up."

His eyes met mine, expression serious. "That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

Somehow that was the sexiest thing he'd said all night, and I was glad that my face was already red enough that my blush went unnoticed. I closed my eyes halfway at the pressure of his hand against the back of my thigh, complying with the silent request to lift and open my legs more. I'd never really been embarrassed by sex, even during my first time with Mika, but it was very different to be the partner who needed prep versus doing the prepping.

"Relax. Breathe deeply and concentrate on relaxing your muscles."

I nodded, swallowing the sudden lump in my throat. I'd said similar things before, at first feeling that I was just parroting the words that Mika had taught me, then with confidence as my experience grew. I felt a little guilty thinking about an ex-girlfriend while I was being intimate with someone else, but in the moment I was grateful for that past experience. As for just _how_ to relax, well, I knew that too, though I hadn't really done it myself before. And it was especially hard to remember with the obscene sound of a squeeze bottle's squirt.

Of course I tensed up reflexively at his touch. But it wasn't long before I found myself getting into it, my enthusiasm boosted by Sojiro-san's sudden confidence. It was as if a switch had been flipped and he was suddenly able to tap into the full extent of his dream experience. He knew exactly what to say and how to encourage me, and I realized that he probably had a good amount of real-life experience as well, only he'd been discounting it because it was solo.

"Is this okay?" he asked again, watching my face closely as he pressed his fingers deeper.

"I'm fine," I gasped, resisting the urge to tighten up. His free hand stroked my cock lightly, and the pleasure of it really did make me tense, not in an unpleasant way. "Ah..."

"Do you think you're ready?" There was an intensity in his gaze that made me tremble.

"I'm ready," I replied confidently, ignoring the part of my mind that wasn't a hundred percent sure. I was tired of waiting, of watching life slip by until it was too late to make a move. Even if I had some lingering nervousness, I wasn't going to waste the opportunity. The worst thing that could happen was that it didn't quite work, and so what? We could finish each other off manually.

I relaxed a little as his hands moved away, suddenly aware of the unfamiliar cold wetness all over my backside. You never really noticed just how much lube some things took until you were the one getting prepped for sex. I swear my ears twitched at the sound of the condom being unwrapped, a thrill of anticipation sending a fresh surge of blood to my already firm erection. This was it. The reality of it hit me full force as Sojiro-san positioned himself between my legs, the heat in his expression nearly taking my breath away as our eyes met once more.

"Nao..." His voice wobbled and faded. Whatever it was he wanted to say got caught in a web of emotion. I swore his eyes misted up a little.

Seeing that filled me with a fresh surge of determination. I stretched out my arms in invitation. "Sojiro-san," I sighed, my own voice thick with emotion, "I want you. So please..."

He needed no further invitation. I watched, fascinated, as his sheathed erection disappeared into my body, first halfway, then a little more with a series of short but firm pushes. I bit my lip to stifle a gasp of surprise at the discomfort of a fullness I'd never felt before. Nothing really _hurt,_ but it was a strange sensation. I squirmed a little, trying to relieve the pressure, and was surprised to find my body drawing him even deeper.

I must have made some sort of sound, because he leaned over me to press a soft kiss to my lips. "I know it's uncomfortable at first," he breathed, voice strained. "Especially the first time. But if you let me, I'll make you feel good. Nao... tell me it's okay to keep going."

I'd felt hints of that with his fingers, and again faintly as he sank inside. I reached up to grab his upper arms with sweaty, shaky hands, hoping it wasn't too much of a death grip. "Don't hesitate. I want this. I've _been_ wanting this. So," I thrust my hips up at him, "do it."

Sojiro-san nodded, his expression growing fierce. That was it, the final barrier broken. He began to thrust in earnest, bedframe creaking in time with the motion of our hips. My entire body burned, my consciousness laser-focused on the unfamiliar sensations coming from between my legs. Too full and too hot, but also little rhythmic jolts of pleasure that stole my already shallow breath. I reached up to grip his shoulders, pulling him close without caring about how that would affect his ability to move. All I wanted was to be close to the man who was making me feel strange and overheated and excited and, more than anything, _good_ , not only physically, but emotionally too.

We were together. We were one. And most importantly, we were _alive_.

I don't know why I started crying. Maybe it was the relief at realizing that we'd finally made it, defying the fate of our doomed relationship from the dreams. Maybe it was because of the pleasure steadily building inside me, more intense than anything I'd ever felt before. Or maybe it was because I finally felt that sense of peace and belonging in real life, knowing what it meant to be deeply loved by someone who wanted a serious relationship.

It was probably a combination of all those reasons that compelled me to cling to Sojiro-san's sweaty body, half-moaning and half-sobbing his name into the side of his neck. I came before he did, shivering and shaking beneath him as my entire body overflowed with a sensation that felt like light and sparks and fizziness all at once. I wasn't sure how much longer he lasted with my sense of time destroyed by all the overwhelming emotions and physical sensations, but it didn't seem long. He did his best to avoid collapsing on top of me, though some of his weight pressed down on my body as he panted raggedly in my ear.

I didn't mind, and hugged him to me, nuzzling into the damp hair at his temple. He smelled like shampoo and sweat and himself, an intoxicating blend. Though my legs were cramping and my insides protested in discomfort, I didn't want to break our connection. I stubbornly wrapped my tired legs around his back and refused to let go.

"Nao," he sighed, tone tight with an unfamiliar note of emotion, "Nao, I..."

"Shh," I breathed, running my fingers through his hair. He trembled in my arms.

I smiled up at the ceiling, feeling lighter than I had in ages despite the solid weight of Sojiro-san's body against mine. The warmth inside me was more than the abstract afterglow of satisfaction or the very real heat of his naked body. It was the joy of breaking free. The dreams had been part of my life for as long as I could remember, and honestly, I'd been just as afraid of losing them as I had been of experiencing the moment of my dream self's death. To sleep without ever becoming that man again, to lose that world forever, those thoughts had been terrifying. I hadn't realized that I already was that man, had _been_ that man all my life, and nothing would be able to take that from me.

And, even better, I had the most important part of that world in my arms right now.

I smiled softly, my entire being filled with contentment. "We're free."


	26. [???]

My consciousness returned in a series of gentle waves, each one refilling my awareness a little more. First, the impression of warmth. Next, the realization that there was a bright light surrounding me, enough that my eyelids reflexively squeezed tighter. The gentle pressure of a hand on mine, the softness of a pillow beneath my head, the sound of quiet, rhythmic beeping.

I opened my eyes, slowly and tentatively, bracing against the stab of the light. There was a sharp intake of breath followed by the rustle of fabric, and a shadow fell across my face. Sojiro-san. A soft smile curved my lips as I opened my eyes fully. I couldn't quite see his features clearly without my glasses, but he returned my smile with a sincerity that warmed me from within.

"You're finally awake," he breathed, like he couldn't quite believe it.

I wanted to ask why he was so surprised, but my throat was sore and my voice refused to cooperate. All I could manage was a dry whisper. "What... happened? Where am I?"

"Nao, you..." He lowered his eyes, hand tightening around mine. "You died."

My eyebrows shot up. Reality shattered the shell of illusion. I was in a private hospital room, narrow bed surrounded by a cluster of machines. There were tubes and wires everywhere, and the smell of antiseptic was impossible to ignore. The overhead lights were harsh and unforgiving, making my thin forearms look even paler than I'd remembered. My body felt strangely heavy, and even the slight effort of moving my fingers to return Sojiro-san's squeeze left me exhausted.

I was impressed that my brain was able to muster up enough strength to consider the logic of the situation. "If I died... what am I doing in the hospital?"

"The doctor did say your memory would be affected by the medication... Here, your glasses, you're squinting." Sojiro-san clumsily slid my glasses onto my face, and his face came into sharper focus. He looked terrible, like he hadn't slept in ages. "You collapsed at the school and got rushed here. It seemed like you were recovering well, but you had a second heart attack last night. Luckily, there was an aide in the room when it happened, and they were able to start CPR right away - by the way, if you're feeling sore, you have a few cracked ribs - and then there was some emergency surgery to stabilize you..." His words caught in his throat, and he looked away. "It was risky. It wouldn't have been surprising if you hadn't made it through, and it's not a permanent fix. But it should buy some time for the drug research."

Honestly, I felt fine, if a little disconnected from my body. It had to be the effect of insanely strong painkillers. "Ah, so you knew about that too..."

"Only because your parents told me. Another damned secret." Despite the harsh words, his expression had softened into a smile. "At least it was a _pleasant_ surprise this time."

That tender smile felt familiar, not just because I'd seen it dozens of times before. Something tickled at the back of my mind, a vague impression that quickly came to the forefront. "Oh!"

"Nao? Does something hurt?"

"No... I just remembered. I had a dream." I closed my eyes, trying to imagine it. "More like a vision, maybe. It must have been something my brain did while my heart was stopped, like I saw my life flash before my eyes, only it wasn't really my life..."

"Hm? That doesn't make sense."

"I know. It was me, but not the life I know. It's almost like," my eyes snapped open, "it was the life I might have had if my biological parents hadn't died. An intact family, me and my parents and Tomo. And you. You were there too... a student teacher at my high school." My brow creased as I struggled to remember the details. "We recognized each other somehow. We were drawn to each other, but we fought it... it was... no good, I can't remember."

His fingers tickled through my hair as if trying to soothe me. "I'm sure your mind was trying to make sense of random fragments of memory. It was just a jumble of unrelated thoughts."

I shook my head weakly. "It felt more important than that. Something happened and we stopped trying to resist. We gave in to our feelings and it felt right." I turned my face toward him, suddenly aware of my own heartbeat fluttering in my chest. "I think that's what gave me the strength to pull through. Even when I was dying, my heart remembered you. I wouldn't have made it without you there."

"Nao..." His voice was thick with emotion.

I couldn't help but react to that, my vision blurring as tears gathered. "All this time, I was trying to keep you at a distance. I told myself I was trying to spare you, but... I just wanted you beside me. I thought it was selfish and I made myself push you away from the reality of my condition. That was the most selfish choice of all, wasn't it?"

"Shh, don't get worked up." His finger brushed my lips. "It's okay, Nao. I already know how you feel. I found the letter you left for me."

Ah, how embarrassing. But also a relief, like the time he'd admitted to finding my medications in my desk drawer. I didn't have to explain myself. "That's good. Now you know."

"But I wouldn't have known without the letter. I don't want to uncover the truth by accident, I want you to tell me directly." He leaned closer, and I found it impossible to look away from the hurt and sincerity in his eyes. "I would never want the memory of you erased from my mind. You always thought about how I'd be hurt by your passing, but didn't you know how happy I was to be with you? If my time with you is short, so what? That only makes it more precious. And no matter what happens, I will never forget you. No one ever forgets a sincere love."

"Sojiro-san..." My chest tightened. He was right. I'd always known it, but I hadn't been able to accept it, too focused on minimizing the effect that my death would have on others. I'd been convinced that it was selfless, even noble, when the truth was that I was a selfish coward. Seeing the two of us in a vision, strugging miserably against fate and happy only once we'd allowed ourselves to be honest with our emotions, had forced me to accept the truth.

I reached for him, vision blurring. "I'm sorry for always running away. I thought I had to, that it was the only way to protect myself from the guilt of hurting you. But I can't do it anymore. Please don't leave me, even if it's hard. I can't... I can't keep going by myself anymore."

He hugged me as best as he could with all the equipment in the way. "I'm here, Nao. All you have to do is let me in. Let me love you."

I would have cried in relief if I'd had the strength for it. Instead, I gave a weak nod, barely managing to reply around the knot in my throat, "I will, if you'll let me love you too."

Warm lips brushed my ear. "It's a deal."

~ end ~


End file.
